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Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Six is easier, right? Don't tell me it's not. | Main | Conversation during snack time. »

Pop quiz!

If your child can have y, can he have y+1? Y+1 with a cookie? With two cookies? Why not? Why is Y okay but Y+1 not okay? Providing supporting arguments for your answers on a separate sheet of paper, if necessary.

If a nonsense phrase is sung repeatedly at X intervals, and the listener will go insane after a certain number of minutes, how many minutes prior to that point should the nonsense-phrase-singing be halted? Keeping in mind that maybe the nonsense-phrase-singing is fun to the singer and anyway it's keeping him out of your hair? And how do you stop the singing, anyway? Here's some graph paper for you.

Can your child have some candy during the movie? If you don't want to discuss it now, when do you want to discuss it? When can you have the candy discussion? If you're going to have that discussion in an hour, why can't you have it now? Why is an hour better than now? What time is it now? Is it almost time for that discussion? Why are you running away?

If you enjoy an activity and know your child would also enjoy it, your child will refuse to participate in it or discuss it, ever, for eternity. Explain the logic of this statement.

EXTRA CREDIT: Your child is finally back at school, and now you miss him. Make sense of that one, if you can.

Reader Comments (48)

Yay!!! Pop Quiz! I would like two pieces of graph paper, please. And a protractor. I don't know how well I will do on this quiz... My kid is 2, steamrolling into the Whiney Phase, so I have turned my ears off for the next twelve months. Hey! Is that an okay answer?
February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersveedish
A. Because your father is watching and I'll get hassled later about being too easy or soft-hearted.

B. Remind yourself that last time it was quiet, too quiet, you later discovered that experimental hair cutting was going on in the bathroom.

C. If I have to give you an answer now, you're not going to like it.

D. Cleverly weave the making of hot chocolate into the activity.

EXTRA CREDIT: I agree with Frankie. They do look so cute when they're sleeping!
February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJuju

How much does this count in my final grade?
February 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
A) Y is ok, but your tummy is as big as Y and Y+1 will make it burst open and that hurts.

B) The singing must stop just as the twitches begin. To stop the singing, make up another nonsense song and sing it loudly...singer will pick up new song. Repeat as necessary.

C) No. At movies there is popcorn only. No candy. No discussion. Not now, not ever. (Yeah, right...)

D) Because activities are only cool if the teacher does them. Mommy activities are no longer cool. Unless mommy is doing the same thing as teacher, in which case mommy still isn't 'cool', but she's a copycat. A poser. But we still love her.

Bonus: You don't miss him. You miss his *potential*. Just like that boy you dated in high school/college/whatever. He wasn't worthy of you, but his *potential* was worthy. Your current little man has great *potential*...he just isn't living up to it all the time. And he never will, but you'll love him anyway. And his potential.
February 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKathy
The problem I have isn't a child singing nonsense songs all the time, it's my boyfriend.

Every day, he makes up a new song about the dog.

Every day, I go a little bit more crazy.

Mothers, please try to curb this behaviour before the age of 25.
February 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMeaghan
Prefer that to the teen years when talking may cease...

February 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPendullum
I'm with Slim. Come back and ask when you are ready to listen!
February 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJen
jesusgod between this and the barometric pressure it's like someone is trying to inflate my brain to y+1 if y= it's normal size and 1= one million. thanks.
February 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterpnuts mama
Ah yes, the "Why?" stage. Starts at 5, will last for a little while then will go away eventually.

Just remember the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything everything is 42! It says so in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy! :)
February 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
I love it when you give us pop quizzes.
February 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlis
I was told there would be no math.

February 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterManic Mommy
Oh the mysteries of parenting...
February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCollege Mama
Oh look, C.L. was trying to be funny there.
February 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdhd
Oh look, C.L. was trying to be funny there.
February 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdhd
Answer: He'll be 18 before you know it, leaving for college and you'll have a whole new set of perplexing questions. It never ends. Motherhood - who asked for this and why weren't we told what it involved?
February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAngie
Wait...wait...almost got it. Carry the 1, divide by 7...hang, that's not right. My answer said Xanax. Is that right?
February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTootsie Farklepants
Damn, and they just found out that prozac doesn't even work...
February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRLJ
A: Shoot the hostage.

Not really, it's just a line from "Speed"
February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCatizhere
AUGH!Is it 5:00/time for alcohol yet?
February 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteredj
"If you don't want Y, you can have water instead. That's your only other option."

Just start blaring your own music.

"If you want to talk about it right now, I'll turn off/leave the movie so we can talk."

He needs a day or so to sleep on it. Keep the supplies nearby. Eventually he'll get bored and want to do it. But he still won't want to talk about it. (Also, having a friend over increases the chances that he will want to do the activity.)

Bonus: It's because you luurve him.
February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBecky
~How come you just have one kid but really DO get it? You get it all so spot on, every time!My 3 littlest ones are back at school ( 4, 6 and 7, all boys we get bleeding ears with the pooh/bum/willy words) and I don't miss them at ALL, no need to make sense of that one, is there?
February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHelen
Oh but...the singing thing, you must never ask them to stop, it gives them extra wind to sing it for another hour at least, after the first 5 times you say " LOUDER! I love that SONG, SING IT LOUDER...let me call gramma/daddy/neighbours they love that song too, just keep singing LOUDER!" Shits them up immediately.
February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHelen
My God. This is my nephew. And he's only 4. But I kind of make of the nonsense songs as well so I will maintain that they are cute.
February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDM

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