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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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Ah, boys.

So I'm on my way out for a walk the other day, and I stop in to tell Henry and his friend Sam that I am not, as it seems, leaving them all alone, as Scott is upstairs working. Henry replies, "Dad's here? Great, that means we can do whatever we want."

"And what, exactly, would that be?" I ask.

"Poop on the couch," Henry says. Needless to say, this cracks Sam's shit right up, and the two of them roll around on the floor, making jokes about couches and poop and pooping on couches as I locate my iPod and head out the door.

As Charlie the Dog drags me down the sidewalk, I turn on my third-favorite podcast, You Look Nice Today—the first and second being, respectively, The Sound of Young America and Jordan, Jesse Go!, although really, I don't like to rank my favorites, it's so crass—and the first thing I hear is guest John Hodgman saying, "Maybe I should come to your house and poop on your couch."

Couch-pooping jokes ensue. Meanwhile, I think deep thoughts about boys turning into men, men remaining boys, and that no matter what, the couch will always and forever remain the funniest furniture item upon which to imagine one's self pooping.

The End.

Reader Comments (51)

My great-grandmother had an incident at my grandfather's house. On his couch. She pooped.

I still laugh.
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHope
What I love about this is that you didn't even flinch at the suggestion that dad lets him do anything...including pooping on the couch.

Oh men!
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Window Seat
Really? I thought it was the coffee table...
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersuburbancorrespondent
Personally I think pooping on the ottoman has a nice ring to it.
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNothing But Bonfires
Once, in college, I went with my parents to a reunion with my dad's hillbilly side of the family. ONe of the many stories that blew my comparitively patrician little mind started like this: "Remember the time Paw almost shit on Maw?"

Apparently my dad's grandpaw came home one night so drunk that he confused his living room for the bathroom. He dropped trow and seated himself on the couch -- right where his wife happened to be sleeping.

It was an eye-opening weekend.
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie
laughed. out. loud. my son just turned one. he has just started going under chairs and tables to poop (in his diaper). i can now add pooping on the couch to my list of crazy fears about him growing up.
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Dahl
I've had one too many dreams that deal with inappropriate places and pee (or trying to find a place to pee). I'm glad to leave this sort of excrement-furniture brainstorming to the boys.
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterhi kooky
I believe Pooping On The Ottoman is opening for Panic At The Disco.
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDad Gone Mad
My best friend did it once at a friend's house where she was sleeping on the floor. She got really drunk and when she woke up, she was laying in a pool of urine and there was a turd on the sofa. It really is a great comfort; whenever my husband and I have done something stupid or embarrassing we remind ourselves that we have never shit on anyone's couch. Not even our own (knock on wood).
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJessica
My girls poop behind the couch. They have more decorum. And by decorum, I mean I've made them ashamed of their bodies and bodily functions.
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Most people don't realize that the original full title of Dale Carnegie's book was, "Pooping on the Couch: How To Win Friends and Influence People."
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCharlie Hills
I was so totally unaware that an entire category of couch-pooping jokes was out there in the world. Can't really say I think I'm better off for knowing now, but it's...interesting?
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlly
My finace insists that it's built into the Y chromosome to find poop hilarious. Always has and always will be, for him. On the bright side, I save up any poop-related stories I hear especially for him, knowing I will be able to make him fall over laughing without fail.

Like this one, a friend of a friend kinda tale:

Girl goes out to bar, gets drunk, and gets picked up buy a guy. They go back to his place. In the morning, he has to leave for work, but he tells her to take her time getting ready to go. "Just lock the door when you leave," he tells her. They had a good time, so they exchange phone numbers.

So she hangs out, watches some TV, goes to the bathroom ... and the toilet doesn't flush. So ... she gets the poop out of the toilet and puts it in a plastic bag to take with her. Writes a note saying "Hey thanks for everything. BTW, your toilet is broken." And then she locks the door and leaves.

And only when she is outside does she remember that she forgot the plastic bag. Full of poop. On the counter.

December 1, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlmariea
Well, of course! Why wouldn't pooping on the couch be hilarious to imagine? XD
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnneli
As a mom of a 1 year old boy... you've made me afraid, very afraid. Top that onto the fear of farting and the fact that he slaps me silling as a show of affection....I will go hide my head in the sand now.
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLynn W
For some reason, I imagined the dining room table as holding that honor. Hmmm must reconsider...
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCat
This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase"That piece of shit?"Which I often use to refer to my own Jenny Convertible Couch.
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLorrie Veasey
Wait a minute. There is life outside of "This American Life"??

Off to find Alice's favorite podcasts....
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkate
See?!?! I KNEW there was a reason why I bought a leather couch! It can't be destroyed by adolescent pooping boys! And I say you should be prepared for any occasion.
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterthe cheap chick
My 2 year old son once pooped on the coffee table while I was on a conference call for work. Before I could mute the phone to intervene, my dog ate it. I am still too haunted by this image to work from home anymore. My husband thought the whole thing was hilarious.
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie
As long as Dad is also the one to clean it up...
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMamaCass
I kid you not, that would happen at my house, my kids (both boys) laugh about stuff like that all the time. Why is it funny to call each other "poopy head"? I'll never know.....
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJerri Ann
Boys are so easily amused. And mostly about poop.
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDani
If the couch is brown, okay. Otherwise...
December 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterpatois
Yeah, they don't outgrow it, and I love it. Nothing like my husband and son (14) discussing farts and poop for hours on end. They make me laugh so much my stomach muscles get sore!
December 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

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