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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

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Monday
Nov172008

Seriously, though, they're cute.

Heather B. came over for a pre-Ikea visit the other day. In honor of her visit, I baked awful pumpkin muffins and made her eat one. I'm usually a good baker, I swear, but these were just weird. I ate two.

I thought for sure that Henry would be all over Heather, but lately he's been shy around the ladies, and since Scott was working from home, he stayed upstairs and convinced Scott to complete some Star Wars Mad Libs with him. ("Then Darth POOP raised his light TOILET and FARTED Obi Wan MOMMY.") So we had the morning to ourselves, and while attempting to digest my alarmingly dense muffins, we had a lovely chat about Heather's career, her hopes and dreams, her travels, her radiant youth, etc.

As for me, I talked about my pets. Heather seemed a bit...concerned.

Heather: I think you might be in this house a little too much.

Me: Look, Charlie thinks he's going to get some muffin. He's looking at me like, "I won't think they're gross! Promise!"

Heather: Have you considered getting an office job?

Me: The problem is, I don't like people, or when I have to do stuff. So that sort of rules out offices.

Heather: You could volunteer! That would get you out!

Me: Heh, the cat's sitting at the table. Like she's people! No, kitty, you're not getting any muffin. Stop looking at me like that. Okay, maybe a little piece.

Heather: This is just sad.

Me: You know, I made up two different voices for my dog, but no voices for the cat. I don't know why that is. I just don't think she'd put up with me making up voices for her.

Weird, right? That that behavior would concern her? Youngsters! What do they know.

It occurred to me after she left that this is another reason why I need to move back to the city. Because right now these two are the only beings I have substantial conversations with throughout the day. If I'm going to devote my day to Writing, only Writing, I need to be able to occasional wander out of the house and see SOMEONE.

Sure, I could do this "office work" Heather suggests, but that always ends in tears and lawsuits, and also this is the only thing I'm any good at.

Meanwhile, you should see the cute thing my dog is doing right now. He's all curled up in the sun, getting warm! Like a furry, adorable reptile!

Reader Comments (48)

My mother (who is crazy in so many ways) actually thinks her cat speaks to her. And that if she says words that start with an M instead of the actual letter, that the cat understands what she says. She actually introduced me to the cat, saying "Mis is Mane, my Mitten". Yeah.So, you've got a ways to go until it gets BAD! But I'd rather have a secret language with my cats than sit in this urine colored cubicle without even a hint of window anywhere in sight.

November 18, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJane
I found this post extremely charming. :)
November 18, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSonja
I work from home . . . and I just woke up from a nap. I don't think there's enough money in the world to make me go back to a cube. I used to work in a place where they made us go to "fundatory" meetings. Seriously. Cats are way better company. Especially since they're always up for a nap, too!
November 18, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKristen
yea, i go way berserker if i don't leave the house.

i'm all for hating people, because i do... but leaving the house at least to trash-talk them under your breath is advisable.
November 18, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersarah
My cats and dogs talk.

The three cats say, "Open the door. Shut the door. I want in. Now I want out. Feed me. Scratch there. No, there. No, there. LEAVE ME ALONE! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

And the dog says, "Food? How about food now. Now? How about now?" when she's indoors and "What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? Wait! Gotta pee! What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that?" when we're out.

I gotta go to the office just to get some piece and quiet.
November 18, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDawn
I can't say much. At my house, we totally make up conversations for the animals. (I probably need to get out of the house more, too; however, that is completely irrelevant.) I figure that we feed them and give them a good home and dote all over them, the least they can do is suffer us putting words into their mouth, right? ^_^

November 18, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrekke
I loved this:

"I don't like people, or when I have to do stuff."

Sums up MY feelings toward my office job! No wonder I hate going there.

Anyway, I totally relate to the talking to the animals. I do it all the time. I also talk back to the radio when it's on a talk station where I disagree with the host.
November 18, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMauigirl
"The problem is, I don't like people, or when I have to do stuff. So that sort of rules out offices."

God. Yes.
November 18, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterozma
Bossy lives in fear of seeing people by day. She'd have to change out of her sweatpants, the ones with the bulging knees.
November 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBOSSY
You. Are. So. Funny.

Really, a delight to read!
November 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterme
speaking of baking I love to bake and I have some very good pumpkin cookie recep.let me know if anyone wants them
November 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenter7x7
hmm this is the very reason I have no friends...they all think I have lost my mind in the land of "mommy/wife"
November 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjenn
This is funny not just because this all really happened but because I then spent the following week wishing I could spend my days just talking to my dog and cat. They're both agreeable and adorable and don't talk back or say stupid things. Wanna trade?
November 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Ha, I totally talk to my pets like that, too.
November 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCourtney
hmm weird, this comment: Posted by: 7x7 | November 20, 2008 at 07:42 PM

hmm this is the very reason I have no friends...they all think I have lost my mind in the land of "mommy/wife"

was actually mine, but it is directed to some weird ass page..and this comment:Posted by: jenn | November 20, 2008 at 09:59 PM

This is funny not just because this all really happened but because I then spent the following week wishing I could spend my days just talking to my dog and cat. They're both agreeable and adorable and don't talk back or say stupid things. Wanna trade?

is not mine, but has my name linked to it...strange

November 21, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjenn
Friends don't tell friends to get office jobs.



November 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSteph
Animals voice overs are the new black this season.
November 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRhea
Did you tell her that blogging IS your office job? That's what I tell people.
November 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKylie w Warszawie
People are this double-edged sword for writers, I think. They're annoying as heck, but without 'em, you haven't got quite so much to write about.
November 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly
I'm feeling blue today and your post gave me a much needed smile. I work in an office, with actual people, but I have a crazy obsession with my dog. I tell way too many stories about him, and when we're at the dog park, I'm all: "Oh look, he's saying he's fed up with that Border Collie nipping him on the butt!" And I think even the dog people think I'm nuts ...
December 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKim
These two sentences from your post explains my life: "The problem is, I don't like people, or when I have to do stuff. So that sort of rules out offices."Thank you for explaining my life in two sentences.
Is everyone who is writing on this blog, who works at home, a writer? I'm just wondering how you go about doing that? I work in an office and can't imagine giving up being able to work from home to come to an office. No, thank you. There are at least a million better things to do to have some outside social time rather than go work in an office. :-)
December 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMichele
WHAT is wrong with me that I do not understand Mad Libs? No one has ever explained to me how they work and I guess I've never asked. Anyone want to explain them? I sware I'm goode with wurds and stuff like that. I'd cach on real qwick.
December 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNatasha Becoming Something

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