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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« Henry wants you all to know... | Main | At least it was invisible. »
Tuesday
Jul242007

Grump, grump, grump.

I am a grump. I am grumping. I am engaged in grumpery. Nothing is right, everything is wrong. If I could stomp around muttering "grump grump grump," it would feel extraordinarily correct. I suppose I could. Nothing's stopping me.

(Pause to throw cat off lap.)

My sheets are unwashed, there are tumbleweeds of pet hair on the stairs. My right hand hurts for no reason I can figure. My hair is stupid. We're no longer on vacation. It's sunny and breezy out. If it were still be raining I could stay in and grumble under the (unwashed) sheets. But noooooo. Weather hates me.

While I'm writing this, Charlie is flipping out at the cat for, you know, being a cat. For batting at things. Charlie, let it go.

(Cat's back up, and is actively trying to delete my document. Aaand now she is flying off my lap, via the power of my sore right hand. Ow.)

And you know what? You can't tell a four-and-a-half-year-old that you're in a bad mood, because they don't care. If anything, they decide they're in a bad mood too, but unfortunately the bad mood of the preschooler is not characterized by silent grumping, but instead by a) whining and b) carrying on. So instead one should repress every glimmer of negative emotion, push it deep down into one's abdomen, where the four-and-a-half-year-old will still sense its presence and respond in kind so ignore what I just wrote, it makes no sense. Just… just don't bother getting up. Hire a replacement. When you're in this kind of mood, the preschooler will love anyone who is not you. Grab the guy who mows the lawn across the street, who seems to be there every day; why is he there every day? Who needs their lawn mowed every day? I ask you.

(Cat's back, purring violently at me. Soon she will put her butt on the keyboard while kneading my face with her claws. I know it.)

You people, however, amuse me. I never suspected so many of my delicate readers would be so stricken at the sight of a fellow enjoying an invigorating electro-massage of his innards. Look at him, does he seem disturbed? See how pleased he is with his newfangled gadgetry? Why begrudge him that? It's not like he's plucking at his intestines with a fork.

Oh, I need to lie down. Maybe I need one of those massagers. Did you ever wish you were getting sick? Just so you could lie in bed for days, perhaps being looked after by a sexy nurse? I need a sexy nurse. WHY DO I HAVE NO SEXY NURSE? I would also take a brownie.

The cat's on me again. I'm afraid I don't have the energy to remove her. Send help. Sexy help.

Reader Comments (51)

"Send help. Sexy help." Could I get that in a bumper sticker or possibly T-shirt format?
July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRobin
You're in Jersey now--doesn't that mean you're near Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital? Maybe the team makes housecalls.Or maybe House does, at least. He could certainly relate to your grumpiness, all while gazing at you with his piercing blue eyes.
July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSlim
Well, I don't know if this makes you feel better or not but I bookmarked your post: I think it might be funny enough to slay any evil grumps that come my way in the future.
July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJulie
Hey - I just saw a news story about bikini landscapers... I bet you can figure a way to get the whole sexy help thing combined with getting your lawn done! Maybe a bikini cat groomer? Keep at it.

- M
July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMarcheline
Oh, I'm so glad you've explained what he is doing, all kinds of things were going through my head. Now if you could just explain why he heads your blog in particular, all in my world will be set right.
July 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersue
Oh, this is very late July of you.

What you need is not a sexy nurse and a brownie. You need a sexy nurse you can call "Brownie. All better!

Or. Nickname a brownie "nurse." And eat that. Yes, I think that's the way to go.

Wait. You need a sexy nurse, made entirely out of brownie. And then you devour him, with a tall glass of milk. And take a nap.
July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara
When you get the sexy help (and after you're done with him, of course), please share! I could use some too...
July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGabs
It's SO comforting to read your description of your header art. For some reason when I would come to your page, I thought the guy had some kind of rope going through his stomach. I know, disgusting, right? THANK YOU for forcing me to REALLY take a look at it and realize my own mind is far more disgusting that victorian line art could ever be.Julesbigpikchur.blogspot.com
July 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjules
I'll make you some brownies. And send my dog, Nurse Penny, over for some TLC. She's not really a nurse in the "RN" sense, but she snuggles, and she chases annoying lap kitties away. And she makes a mean cup of soup.
July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEva
Sexy help, on the way. But I don't know if the link will work in the comments. Damn. Grump grump grump.

http://www.afterelton.com/people/2007/7/hot100

July 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjavamama
my dad went second-hand-scavenging and brought home this adorable t-shirt that says "i'm entitled to be grumpy". he puts it on and isn't grumpy anymore. i love it to bits. may i put your first paragraph on a t-shirt so that i'm as cool as my dad? :) have a really good day.
July 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterollka
Sexy help. Love it. Does that exist? And, yes, I wish for a sick day all the time -- except three year olds don't really get that either.
July 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterteryn
Oh Alice! I haven't perused in awhile, but it's like talking with an old friend. Who continually makes you snort out whatever beverage you're consuming. I believe that I could be drinking pancake syrup, in a particularly slow-moving tree-sap form, and it would still shoot out my nose with unprecedented velocity if I read a clip about you and a brownie. So thanks.
July 27, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterlis
A massage would fix you right up. I know a massage therapist who actually comes to your house and massages you there - she brings her little table and everything. It is bliss.
July 27, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMauigirl
I have been in a major grump for 9 days now...and of course, it has to be SUCH the stereotype that it's due to my raging hormones...love that. Just cried inexplicably for 7th time in said 9 days... Ate a cannoli with chocolate chips for breakfast and am thinking of diving into the Cold Stone ice cream in the freezer for lunch. If my boyfriend doesn't knock me up soon so that decades of this is all worth it, I'll wring his neck! Well, not really. His neck is too cute. But see? It's the grump talkin'.http://www.filmfangirl.com
July 28, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterfilmfangirl
Good god, bikini landscapers. I had to Google it because I thought it was the new term for those who, um, waxed your special area.
July 28, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBeth
I have the grumps lately too. My oldest keeps asking me if I wish I didn't have kids which makes me feel like Mommy of the Year. And, I have two cats---one just threw up three times on the rug. Fun times!
July 28, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFairly Odd Mother
Maybe it's because Caleb is six, but I actually had to pull out the "I'm in a bad mood" excuse yesterday. Wise child that he is, he backed off for the afternoon :)
July 29, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJack's Raging Mommy
i covet "engaged in grumpery" and "sexy help"...I am totally illustrating the former and wishing like mad for the latter. Thanks for making me smile.
July 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterrahree
have totally wished for illness so that i could lay in bed for days. have totally done so.
July 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterhonestyrain
Bossy missed your Grumpy Ass at the BlogWhore convention. Come on over to Bossy's place for a recap (Reader's Digest Version available at no extra cost)

http://iambossy.typepad.com/
July 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBOSSY
You know what's weird? My right hand hurts, too. What gives?

I suspect...arthritis.

I'm only 38. I'm a baby. You're a baby. I mean it in a good way. You don't have arthritis. Why am I giving you my fake arthritis?

You should eat a bag of cookies.
July 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTina
You know what's even stupider? My powers of reading comprehension weakened after the early mention of my sister city, your right hand, and I had totally spaced out by the end of the post. Then everyone was all "sexy help" in the comments and I was like, what a strange comment zeitgeist!

And then I was like, oh.

I can't figure out a funny way to make cookies sexy. But cookies are enough by themselves, just who they are, I think.







July 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTina
I'm sick right now *AND* have my period. My grump trumps your grump.

But should I mail some of my used Kleenex?

Because I totally would.
July 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteraimee/greeblemonkey
Snap out of it Poopyhead.
August 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJ

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