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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« It takes him longer to catch up, before he's had his morning coffee. | Main | Everything I learned about writing, I learned in 10th grade French class. »
Tuesday
Jun052007

What? Oh, hi.

I don't know, I just woke up with this crappy headache. I'm going to start each blog post in the middle of a conversation, I hope you don't mind. So I imagine that we've been chatting for a few minutes now and you finally just blurt out, is something wrong or do you hate me? And then I say, etc. Bad headache. As if any headache can be good? I guess the headache that tells you you're alive. Like, you wake up in the hospital, filled with tubes, and your head is pounding, and you're all, I can feel my head! Jubilee! You use "jubilee" as an exclamation, did I mention? If you didn't before, now you do. Come on, try it. It will make you happy! Jubilee!

I have the kind of headache that screams you need coffee, friend, but I've now enjoyed far more coffee than a hothouse flower such as myself should ever enjoy, so I'm trembling and my head is still pounding. I don't know, I don't even know why I'm mentioning the headache. It's probably allergies. That's my mom's answer to everything. Did I ever tell you about the time I developed severe vertigo? One day I was in my apartment, sorting through the mail—I think this was, oh, six years ago—and WHAM the entire room tipped over, and BOOM I was on the ground, and FLIMFLAMAROO I was then okay but wondering if rooms are supposed to tip over like that. Then it started happening every twenty minutes or so, this normal normal normal BAM normal vertigo attack, and it was no good at all. My doctor sent me to another doctor who screamed ANEURYSM! EMERGENCY! And Scott and I were screaming and crying all the way to the emergency room, but of course it wasn't that, and then the neurologist said MS! YOU HAVE MS! And we wept and rent our garments, but nope, it wasn't that, and all along my mom is calling me and insisting, allergies, I know it's allergies, in her Long Island-by-way-of-Astoria accent, ALL-UH-GIES, and OH it made me mad. Allergies, she says, when I am clearly nearing death! Then the weeks passed and the vertigo went away and I stopped thinking about it until exactly one year later, when it hit me again. At the beginning of autumn. And I went for more tests. Final diagnosis: allergies. Damn it all to hell.

I was going to write about something else, but I am both sped up and foggy, kind of like I imagine Izzy is, all the time. What's this? Whatever it is, I will kill it. And—POUNCE! Oh, my poor dog. I will write more about cat/dog relations some other time, so you non-pet-loving people can skip over that entire post. But my poor dog is not happy with this kitten. I am betting on her calming down with age, but for all I know she will just gather more strength and more energy until she is able to tear him apart with the force of her mind. I always wanted a telekinetic cat, sure, who doesn't? but not at this price, dear God, no.

Hey, it's our eighth wedding anniversary today! Which makes it especially wonderful that I woke up growling my goddamn head is killing me can you quit it with the goddamn whistling? He would marry me all over again, if he had the chance. Seriously, though, if you're not married but want to know what to look for in a spouse, I will lend you Scott for a day or two. All right, that's creepy, so I'll just tell you why he's excellent marriage material. First of all, he wakes up with Henry, allowing me extra sleeping-in time. I'm almost embarrassed to add that he brings a cup of coffee to me each morning, too, but there, I just did. And on the weekends, he makes pancakes, baby, and the pancakes are delicious. So the whole morning-routine thing alone makes Scott a man worth marrying. And he's scarily funny. This weekend alone, at several different times, he had me laughing so hard I got a little frightened that I might not be able to stop. Ah, that heady combination of giddiness and terror—you can't beat that. So marry Scott today! Oops, too late. Hands off, ladies. You too, men.

Reader Comments (66)

So, I'm going to go ahead and guess that you are taking some kind of powerful pain killer for that headache. Either that, or you really did consume to much coffee. Either way, I think you should do it every day.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKarly
Allergies frequently make the room tip over for me. So do pictures of kidneys and other guts.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPete Dunn
If the headache came on suddenly and is impervious to pain killers, it could be a migraine. With my first migraine I went through a whole day thinking, "Gosh, this headache sure is tough" and popping ibuprofen like candy. And then three-dimensional things started looking two-dimensional. And I wore my sunglasses on the way home that night because the streetlights were like miniature summer suns blaring down at me. The next day my doctor shook his head and sighed. "You've just described every symptom of a migraine. Here's some Imitrex." A miracle drug, I tell you.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
I used to think we could be friends, but now that I know you have a husband who brings you coffee and makes you pancakes ... I think my jealousy would just tear us apart.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterchristy
Not to be a bummer or anything, but last Wednesday I was hit by The Headache That Ate Ohio, which turned into The Cold That Won't Die. Over the weekend my husband commented that the only words I'd said to him all day were "Oh, God" and "I'm dying." And they were an octave lower than my normal voice, thanks to Sexy Cold Voice. Today I'm still sniffling and hawking and cursing the day that the universe invented viruses (virii?). And the 2-year-old's nose has started running like a faucet ... nice. Let's hope yours turns out to be something nice and fixable, like allergies :)
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGretchen
That's not a bummer, Gretchen. The bummer would be the person who writes, "That's funny, because I had this severe vertigo, and then a few years later I had this bad headache, and then I DIED. BOOOOOO." Actually that would be cool. I want a comment from the afterlife! Anyone?
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteralice
How do you get the Husband Who Brings Coffee To You In Bed? Is there a coupon? A night course at the local high school? A mall kiosk? Because I keep hearing about them, and I want one.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMomVee
I've been getting headaches lately, which led my husband to helpfully remark, "Maybe you have a brain tumor." Huh. Perhaps a brain tumor would explain why I think he's the best husband ever(brings me tea in bed) one minute - and the world's biggest asshole the next.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteramyp
Gosh, you start my day off right. I do not have a headache. Jubilee!
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJudy Wise
Because of your telekinetic cat reference, I am now on a mad hunt to locate a copy of The Cat from Outer Space. One? Because I fucking LOVE Ken Berry. Two? Again, Ken Berry. (Will The Love Boat EVER be available on DVD?!) Anyway.

Happy Anniversary to you. (I once saw a bumper sticker that said, "A Pancake Maker is A Keeper." So true.)



June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAngela
Thanks a LOT, Pretty Rambo. Way to set the bar.





June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterwbraine
Happy Anniversary! Today is our anniversary, too (3 years) so thought I'd delurk long enough to send you happy wishes. Maybe pancakes for dinner are the answer to your headache.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKate
First - you and Scott got married on the exact same day that my husband and I did. We were in Katonah at 4:30 pm eight years ago, and it really was lovely weather, wasn't it, given the heat we'd had just the week before...

Second - my husband has been having vertigo issues recently and - wait for it - I've been trying to convince him that maybe it's allergies and not an aneurysm.

Third - there are no other ways in which my life parallels yours, but I hope you are feeling better soon.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterlizneust
I always start my IM conversations like we've already been talking for days, and there's one co-worker who refuses to indulge that behavior. He always responds with "hi", and waits for me to say "hi" back before he addresses my opening salvo. The nerve!

Also, I agree that a husband who gets up with the kid is a total keeper. Just to keep things even, though, I make the pancakes.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLori
Funny. When I was growing up (and to this day really) and I didn't feel so good my mom always said it was because I had to poop. Upset stomach? I must need to poop. Headache? Need to poop. Sent home with a note from the school nurse saying I might have scoliosis? I probably just really need to poop.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJen
flimflamaroo?

seriously?

i heart you.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom
I saw Jubilee! in Vegas last week (the showgirl review, not the exclamation). It was fun with all the naked boobies and feather headdresses. Maybe a feather headdress would make you feel better. Or just unleash "the girls" for a while.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterVenturaMom
Aw, my husband (we're not even at a year married yet but we've been together almost 8!) leaves my coffee all set up for me every morning and it makes me happy every day. He's an early morning type and nearly always gone before I wake up, but down in the kitchen my mug is always waiting with the drip cone and filter and coffee all ready to go, and water in the electric kettle.

I'm sorry about your headache....
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKate
yes but anyway let's go on to my tale of woe, which is that yesterday my participants in my dissertation dumped me (said they were uncomfortable with the interviews and needed a break, which is diplo-speak for shove off, snooty academic lady who wants to study us), and today we got robbed. thankfully none of my son's 500 zillion Thomas the Tank Engine accessories were taken. Just, you know, the laptop. And my sister's digital camera. And my sweet voice recorder that I bought for data collecting although now it looks like I am going to be a schoolmarm forever and not an academic and never collect data again. I would swear but I don't want to offend anyone. So the headache thing, it will go away. Or maybe you do just need to poop.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMichele
I totally agree with Karly! Wow, I guess I should be happy my allergies aren't quite so severe. Sincerely hopes your headache disappears!

By the way, I have a wonderful husband too, but I don't think he has EVER made me pancakes...not to mention the fact that he sleeps at least one to two hours longer than me every night. Do they have husband upgrades? Can I possibly downloand one from Scott? That would be great!
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEquipoise
Wow. That was a lot of coffee. I know because that's exactly how fast my brain goes when I drink a lot of coffee. I'm jittery just reading that. I hope your headache is better -- it probably *is* just allergies.

Congrats on the anniversary -- and on the pancake and coffee makin man -- how'd you find one of those?!?
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermaggie
Wait -- I get up AND make the pancakes too. I guess that makes me my own best husband. And my husband's. Yay me.

Jubilee!
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNotFace
My husband gets up with our son, and I therefore think he is the best husband ever, but I can't help but notice that the only time he has ever made me pancakes, EVER, is when I was in labor.
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAnnika
I am betting on her calming down with age, but for all I know she will just gather more strength and more energy until she is able to tear him apart with the force of her mind. I always wanted a telekinetic cat, sure, who doesn't? but not at this price, dear God, no.

Best. Quote. Ever.

And, happy anniversary! Sorry about your headache...
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commentervelocibadgergirl
Telekinetic Cat is a good band name.Have a very happy anniversary! :-)
June 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

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