Everything I learned about writing, I learned in 10th grade French class.

Hello! I am called Alice. What are you called? Here it is hot. It is very hot. It is not cold. There is no snow. It is very very humid. I like sandwiches!

I have a dog. My dog is named Charlie. I also have a cat. She is Izzy. Charlie and Izzy are not friends. Charlie is very afraid of Izzy. Charlie runs from the cat. Izzy likes to hit Charlie. Izzy has sharp claws. Izzy has small sharp teeth. Bad Izzy! Poor Charlie! Izzy has a bathroom in a box. It does not smell good. I clean her box bathroom. Would you like to go to the library?

At the library there are books.

Charlie wants to go outside. I go outside with Charlie. It is too hot. Charlie does not feel well in the stomach. Here is some water for you! Charlie does not drink the water. No, Charlie lies in the sun. Dogs are not smart. Shucks!

I am eating melon. I eat the kind of melon that begins with water. In hot weather, this melon is very good. Charlie, you cannot eat it! If you eat it, then you will sick on the lawn! It is refreshing.

I sit here outside. There are bees. I am afraid! The bee goes away. Celebration! I am also fatigued. Tomorrow it will rain. I hope. I would like to go to the beach, or perhaps the cinema. I like where it is not so hot. Have you seen my friend Jean-Pierre? I am waiting for him.

P.S. I want to tell you about a new writing. This writing is in the other place, called Wonderland. I forget to tell you! But here it is. Now we eat french fries and dance at the disco!

Comments

[Christen]

This entry. It is so funny. In high school, I, the German took. Your entry--it make me think happy about German.

My birthday is in December. Ach! Jann also has a December birthday. When is your birthday?

Happy thoughts to you. Your writing is pretty. Very pretty.

(Seriously, though, long time lurker here laughing myself silly) Thank you!

[Sonja]

I have not seen Jean-Pierre. I, too, am waiting for him a long time. Where is that son of a gumdrop?

[debl]

I am writing a letter. There is a pencil on a desk. Do you have conditioning of the air? You need that when the family lives in New Jersey. Or family will die from the humid. Where is the bathroom? Jean-Pierre is a cow! Hah-hah!

[Jennifer/The Word Cellar]

This reminds me of the Eddie Izzard stand-up routine in which he tries to work stock French textbook phrases into conversation. Phrases like: "the mouse is underneath the table"; "the cat is on the chair"; and "the monkey is on the branch." "In the end," he says, "the only way I could get that line into a conversation was I had to go to France with a cat, a mouse, a monkey, a table and a chair, and wander around heavily wooded areas." (transcript available at http://www.auntiemomo.com/cakeordeath/d2ktranscription.html#encore)

[hi kooky]

Oh Alice, how I love ya'. Vous etes tres cool.

Ecoutez, et repetez!Ecoutez, et ecrivez!

Tenth grade French for me = good old Madame Gould and a cute boy called "Antoine". Did you go by pretend French names in class too?

Thanks for that bitchin' trip down memory lane.

[Em]

You are the funny! Enjoy!

[Daniel]

Salutations!

You're writing reminds me of those damnable Babar books that my progeny demand I read to them.

What excitement! They are all tucked into bed and ready for their Papa to read to them. But Horrors! It is a Babar book the little rascals want him to read! He holds his head in anguish, but he loves them so he reads the book. What joy!

[S-Way]

Seriously, what is UP with the French always talking about going to the library?

[H]

Voila ma guitar!

C'est chouette, non?

(now, if only I played guitar)

[kerflop]

There are many times I have wished myself to be finslippy. This is one of them.

[Elizabeth]

I took French in seventh and eighth grade, and the one I always remember is where is the library-ou est la bibliotheque? And that the teachers always made us take a French name, and mine was Isabelle, which is rather pretty I think.

[magpie]

You are a funny French woman.

[kate]

T'es trop drole. Merci pour ça. J'aimerais écrire des posts aussi amusants que les tiens. Vive la finslippy!

When I moved to France, I spoke like that. One of the first times I went to my in-laws' house, I said, "Oh! This is a nice meal. I love the breasts of chickens." Sounds ok in English, but in French, I might as well have been saying that I love sucking on big chicken boobies. I also said something about there being "preservatifs" in food. "Preservatifs" = condoms.

Si jamais tu te trouves à Montréal, je t'inviterai pour la poutine et une biere... ou de la tarte et des cupcakes. Ton choix. Bises.

[karen]

Do the breathing, I must! But the laughing! The laughing overtakes and the breathing it must to wait.

[kate]

Agh! That is so much like reading David Sedaris's French class exploits in Me Talk Pretty One Day. And it's awfully familiar. In Turkish, I *want* to say "please tell me your views on Turkey's secular, mono-ethnic idea of nationhood."

And I CAN say "please let them to purchase for me the... the... lettuce... no, wait, wait... peppers... hang on... EGGPLANT! I dislike eggplant very, no, wait, hang on... eh... I like the eggplant dish very much!"

*sigh* Never do I feel so incompetent.

[melissaS]

Is that you Margot? My 9th grade pen pal from France?

She always spoke of the discotheque and I always wished we could have a discotheque here. I still dream.

[heather r.]

There are bees. I am afraid! The bee goes away. Celebration!

you sure you didn't gank that one from the new yorker?

[marylandmezzo]

I have at university German studied. I have studied the French at the high school and at the university. Russian tongue (I) studied. Boy, oh boy, does this bring back memories! Ah, the idiotic phrases we had to resort to with our limited 1st-year vocabularies!

The student is asleep. The head of the student is on the books of the student. The books of the student are on the desk of the student.

[Dirkey]

Thats probably one of the funniest things I've read today!

[stephanie]

It's so fun to laugh first thing in the morning. I only took Espanol, so I can confidently say "Where is the bathroom?" and "What is the time?" and "I am going to the store of furniture" but alas, nothing about bees or melon that begins with water.

Out of curiosity (and to sound super smart at parties) - how does "Shucks" translate into French? And when you say it, do you give a sad little shrug?

[Getting Sick of Your Blog]

ENOUGH of the CAT and the DOG, already. We want another HENRY post. Tell us more about HENRY. Like WHAT he EATS! Or how he behaves in IKEA!

I bet he'll eat HAM! Have you tried HAM?

[shy me]

OMG I can still read french!!!

[Misty]

OMG this makes me so happy I decided to go with a reading only language! If only those seminarians in college were a bit hotter, Ancient Greek would still be envogue ;)

[Beth]

I speak the many language. In the German, the dog is blue. In the French, we go to the beach with Jean-Claude every day. In the Spanish I taste myself the taco. Entonces meine kleine hija parle seulement the English.

[alice]

Stephanie, I was thinking of "Zut Alors!" Which I believe actually means "shoot!" Or "Fuck!"