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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« Another in a long string of conversations I never thought I'd have. | Main | What did I do, world? »
Thursday
May242007

Bidness.

First off, I'm in Time Out New York Kids this week, along with Mssrs. Laid Off Dad and Looky Daddy. The subject is children's birthday parties. The interviewer was gracious enough to use my more clever quotes, and not the expletive-filled tirades for which I am so well known. So there's that.

Also! My cat does not have (potentially) FeLV, but in fact FIV. (Possibly.) I know the difference, but the woman who was taking care of Izzy's mom did not. So there you go. Cat AIDS. I think this has a much better prognosis, even if she's positive. Live, kitty, LIVE!

Finally, here's a parenting tip for you: even though your four-and-a-half-year-old is deeply enamored with David Bowie's song stylings, you might want to skip past "Rebel Rebel," Because maybe you forgot that your child has ears and a brain, and you were listening to it in the car on the way to school, and then your kid walked into the classroom and called his teacher a "hot tramp."

Actually, you might just want to leave it on "Blue Jean." Which technically might be a clean song, but no one in this world could be unoffended by the line "jazzin' for Blue Jean," so never mind. Maybe he won't tease out the correct words in Ziggy Stardust? Okay, go with that one.

Reader Comments (43)

Wow! And I though letting DS listen to RENT left me open for all kinds of complications. (Sodomy? It's between God and me.)

On another note, my father--not under the influence of Bowie, presumably--was sent back to first grade after calling his second-grade teacher "a red-headed whore". I would say "hot tramp" is way better than that.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNicole
Maybe his teacher actually IS a hot tramp (perhaps even a dirty one, as well) and Henry just wanted her to know that he's a very observant child that notices and appreciates such things.

God, Alice, you make everything sound so SINISTER!
Wet wipe anyone?I'm busy cleaning the coffee I just spewed across my keyboard.

"hot tramp?"bwahahahaha
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterOMSH
Well, did you tell her it probably just means he loves her so?

Would you prefer "Wham bam thank you ma'am"?
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMomVee
Yeah, he asked what that meant. I don't know what I was thinking.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Yay for not Feline Lukemia. Although Kitty AIDS doesn't sound much better. I hope she lives a long and happy life! :)

I will remember to strike Rebel Rebel off the playlist...
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKait
Heh. That Henry. Always cracking me up. You do understand that he knew exactly what he was doing, yes?

;)
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom
Yeah, I had to stop listening to my favorite Supersuckers CD, "Motherfuckers be trippin'" when my then 4-year-old daughter started singing along to the chorus of "Pretty Fucked Up." I don't know why I thought her little kid ears were impervious to the F-word. Sometimes I'm slow when it comes to mothering.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRivetergirl
I had a cat who was diagnosed as FIV positive when she was less than a year old. She lived 11 more years.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSara
I was just going to suggest "Major Tom," which is like a whole sci-fi movie within one brilliant Bowie song, but then MomVee rocked my mind straight into "Suffragette City" and now I can't get Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am out of my head. Thanks a lot. And BTW, I loved the Hair soundtrack as a child, except there's that whole "list of sex acts" song that I luckily didn't understand until I was old enough to just be mildly embarrassed by it.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterS-Way
Ooooh yeah. Strike most of the Steve Earle, the majority of the punk rock, etc etc. Even dear Gillian Welch sinks into the gutter from time to time. And Liz Phair who?

Just stick to TMBG and the Beatles and nobody gets hurt.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbraine
S-way, if Henry listened to Hair, he'd go to school announcing that black boys are delicious. I know it.

And oh, Liz Phair. We used to be so close.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Nothing wrong with Bowie. It's the Carrie Underwood stuff my daughter listens to (and sings without ceasing) that makes my stomach turn.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPete Dunn
"Jesus, pick up the check..."
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPete Dunn
My 11 year old cat is FIV positive. He's had one episode thus far, and it was right after a move across country. Stress seems to be a big trigger, so alas, keeping a cat stress free with a 3 and a half year old is *SO* possible.

And my son happens to be partial to Insane in the Membrane -- Oh how much my husband will pay for that one.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPatricia
It's a good thing you don't listen to AMG...he could have walked into class and said "bitch betta have my money."

"Hot tramp" is at least a compliment. (Well, from a four and a half year old, at least.)
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLa Cubana Gringa
Excuse me for pointing out the elephant in the room, but what were you doing listening to David Bowie in the first place?

We tread dangerous terrain with Steve Earle and Liz Phair. But our older two kids (3 and 5) have already started saying "fuck" anyway, because of us. Oops.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDeb Abramson
My cats tested positive for FIV years ago and except for the fact that I can't board them anymore, it hasn't been a problem at all. They are 10+ years old and haven't had a single symptom. Good luck with yours!
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLindsay
Who the fuck is Steve Earle?
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteralice
No one is safe to listen to. After listening to Sheryl Crow's "There Goes the Neighborhood", my son was stuck on the phrase: "standing in her panties in the shower" Yikes! sigh...
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJodi
Wow. I'm planning my daughter's 7th b-day party, so I really liked the backlash article. But BOY. Oh BOY. Am I ever glad I live in Kansas (and one doesn't get to say that very often). Laughing my ass off over the "reasonably affordable" $800 for 15 kids parties. Gasp.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMom2Bean
That's funny how the article that you're featured in is begging people to tone down the outlandish extravagances and costs of birthday parties and then the article following it features locations where you can have great birthday parties...only $800 for 15 kids! Wonder if they would take a kidney in exchange?
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterProcrastamom
That's funny how the article that you're featured in is begging people to tone down the outlandish extravagances and costs of birthday parties and then the article following it features locations where you can have great birthday parties...only $800 for 15 kids! Wonder if they would take a kidney in exchange?
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterProcrastamom
I'm giggling really quietly in my office. Thanks! FIV is actually a better diagnosis than Feline Leukemia. Cats can live long lives with it. Just no outdoor time for Izzy! I think there might be some good meds now to help with her immune system, if you decide she needs medications.

Hee hee hee. Hot tramp. I might need to use that in a conversation today.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea
Henry's already heard "Major Tom" AND "Ziggy Stardust." The first worked out great, but it was all downhill from there. Try explaining that the Spiders from Mars are neither spiders nor from Mars. And not that it came up, but "some cat from Japan" isn't really a cat.

"Suffragette City," on the other hand, is great for kids, dads, and the people in the right-hand lane.
May 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPretty Rambo

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