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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« Why I am not a poet. | Main | Adjusting to the suburbs, slowly but surely. »
Friday
Mar092007

What happens.

This is what happens: I start out the week thinking, I'm going to post every day! On my happy happy blog! And all my nice readers will respond and we'll have a great dialogue going and then we'll all get together for s'mores!

You should know that my mind is crammed with exclamation points as well as flights of fancy that end in all of us making s'mores.

Did you all grow up making s'mores with your family? I do not recall making s'mores, ever. Which is odd because my mother has this strange, obsessive love of marshmallows. This is the kind of thing I would bug her about when I was right out of college and had just started therapy. "WHY DIDN'T WE EVER MAKE S'MORES," I would demand in another late-night post-emotional-revelation phone call. "I JUST THINK I WOULD BE HAPPIER IF WE HAD BEEN A S'MORES-MAKING KIND OF FAMILY."

Yes, so. I have all these high hopes for my blog, but then it's one of those weeks—those dreaded weeks when exactly nothing happens. Plus, could it be a more nondescript time of the year? I mean, maybe it's your birthday or it's the day you won that triathlon or the week you fell in love or found your pet possum or I don't know what. For me, anyway, this is pretty much the kind of week where all I can do is hunker down and wait. Especially when it snows--that's just insulting. We're gearing up for spring, and you're going to give us snow? Fuck you. Fuck you, weather. Yeah, you heard me. Fortunately (FOR THE WEATHER), the snow went away, and now we're left with this bitter cold—and oh, crap, I'm talking about the weather. Do you see? Do you see what I have spared you?

So then when my non-posting becomes, like, a thing , a thing in my twisted mind, my imagined readers grow restless, then hostile, and I think, I can't write just any old crap, I have to make it up to them, I have to hit it out of the ballpark, and then I picture my readers growling (you growl, in my mind) and shaking your s'mores sticks at me (are there sticks, when you make them? See, I don't even know) and demanding quality entertainment. This, of course, leads to total paralysis. Which then leads to this, my mortified re-entrance, my shuffle out onto the stage as you're all filing out, throwing your programs to the ground in disgust. Wait, don't leave! I've got a little number all worked out!

But enough about me. How's your week been? I've missed you.

Reader Comments (100)

It's always nice to read your blog, you can even make weather interesting and funny. And just because you asked, my week's been fine. AND we're picking up our new puppy tonight! Yay!
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
we celebrated our 17th week of pregnancy this week and i've finally seemed to stop barfing! hooray!
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdivinemissk
I KNOW I would be happier if my family had been a s'mores making family. Happier and flabbier and just a little bit sticky. =)
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMonkee
Somehow I suspect I know what you and Henry are making for afternoon snack today. :-)

I love toasted marshmallows and I adore chocolate-covered graham crackers. So you would think I would be a big Smore Whore. But not so much. But! Maybe sticks are the key! Maybe if you melt the chocolate chips on the graham crackers separately (because that takes for EVER, especially with a fire) and then toast the marshmallows on the sticks at the last screaming minute (because they toast way faster than the chocolate melts) you can get the ideal smore. I wonder if Alton Brown ever covered this topic?

I was one of those women who went into therapy after college and called my mother after my sessions a lot to weep and wail at her. I'm better now and I give my mom a LOT of credit for putting up with me.

My week? I've been sick and am slowly recovering. Bleah.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRhonda
God, I know. This is one of those weeks where even the exciting stuff becomes boring. Going out to dinner? The restaurant is too loud, so we all sit around in annoyed silence for two hours. Meeting with friends for knitting? Get a splinter the size of a 2x4 under a thumbnail and have to sit there glowering at all the happy sweater-makers. AND my doctor also says I have shrunk one inch and gained 10 lbs...in THREE MONTHS! WHAT THE HELL?
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJemima
Yeah, it's a boring time of year. BUT! My husband and I are going away for the weekend to ski, sit in a hot tub, and celebrate Mardi gras a month too late. So now it will be an exciting weekend! Hooryay!

No s'mores for my family either. I should have brought that issue up in therapy while I was in college. Dammit.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea
Wait a minute. WE DIDN'T HAVE S'MORES EITHER!This explains so much.

Delurking: I was JUST saying to a coworker that this time of year makes me want to hibernate, like a squirrel or a bear or something that hibernates, so that I could just wake up (skinny!) when it was finally time for something fun to happen again. Hell, not even "fun" -- just "something." So, yeah, blah.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJennyM
We never had s'mores either. Though my mother talked about them, because she'd been a (gasp) girl scout. But we did toast marshmallows from time to time. A fine thing.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermagpie
My family made s'mores. With sticks, even, but there was still a messy divorce. Those stupid marshmallows didn't do jack shit. On the upside, it's frickin' freezing here in Boston.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTammy
Oh my gosh, I'm your mom! Except that I'm only 24, so probably not actually your mom (what a surprise that would be, huh?!). But I always wanted my family to be a smores makin' family, and we never were. I'm a little bit hearbroken about it all. Me and your mom should hang out.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTaylor
I was a girl scout. You HAD to learn how to make s'mores in the scouting community (I believe there was a test at some point, or a badge. Probably a badge) and yes, there WAS a stick involved. Its purpose was to prevent your fingers/hand from integrating into the s'more configuration.

My week was pretty good. No snow being California and all. Best part: my son took his first steps yesterday!

Let's all celebrate by making s'mores!
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersveedish
I was just thinking the same thing, essentially. Except not about s'mores. I was picturing having beer with everyone.

Of course, if my family had been the "hey, let's all have some BEER" kind of family while I was growing up, I can't even imagine what kind of mess it would have been. Probably like Monkee's family; heavy, sticky. Pukey.

Wait a second, that WAS us.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbraine
My family made s'mores. ONCE. That's it. Only once. It was too much concentrated happiness in a food product for my family. But even now, with my own lovely little family that I created - I don't think I could even get my kid to try s'mores. Even though he likes and has eaten every thing that goes into them. But then, Daniel also thinks marshmallows make a great building material.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLiesel Elliott
Who needs s'mores when you have Mallomars?

I always enjoyed the toasting/roasting/setting on fire of the marshmallow but couldn't really get in to the messiness of the s'more.

As to your question: thanks for asking, Alice. I've been OK. Went to the Vagina Monologues last night for V-day and that was a hoot. I could say more, but why?
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAlyce
Hearing (Watching? Reading? Meh?) you cuss out the weather dulled the pain of your absence.

Also, whenever I'm parked on your blog, I enjoy holding marshmallow-laden sticks directly in front of my laptop's "exhaust port" where all the heat generated by the gerbils running on the wheels behind the hard drive escapes. I then build the s'more and eat it while reading your words. So it's like we're having s'mores together.

Sort of.

Or not.

I'm just trying to help.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterYou can call me, 'Sir'
I think that anyone who grows up in Montana (as I did) has to learn to make s'mores automatically. Like, if you want your Montana driver's license when you turn 15, you have to whip out a suitable marshmallow roasting stick, start a fire from available materials at the DMV, and commence to the s'more-making. Fail and you're stuck driving with Mom and Dad on dates for another six months. Nobody wants that.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNicole
Did you ever hit the nail on the head. Just before I read this post, I was thinking that I should declare Nothing To See Here Week, and check back next year to see if this week next year is just as lame.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterschmutzie
We totally made s'mores. Not often, but we did. Camping, sometimes! In front of the fireplace, other times!

And now that you mention it, my parents are still married and I had an awesome, productive week. Here in the tropics where I have to put on my fleece when it goes down to 59 degrees.

[Pauses, contemplates, squeals down the driveway for marshmallows. You know, for the sake of the children.]
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
1) we never had s'mores EVER2) my week sounds exactly like yours3) i am weather obsessed, so I like climate talk.4) my non-posting festers in my mind like 5 day old bread, or 7 day old bread or however long it has been since I posted. What I mean is, I feel stale.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterjenB
My week has been sort of like that. Except for the snow, because I've actually planted tomatoes and peppers and assorted seeds.But as far as blogging goes... it's been a week of mindless memes. Sad, so sad. But not sad enough to make me want to turn off the computer and, like, do something. Not that sad.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSonja
I ask you: what is worse? To have been a never-had-smores kind of family, or to be me, trying through the slouching to be a good, nay great mom, putting the g-damn smores together this summer while camping, struggling to do so while gnats bite every piece of exposed skin I have granted them, only to find out that the kids DON'T LIKE THEM? They just want to eat the marshmallows straight out of the bag. Life is so anti-climactic sometimes.

I've had such a boring week that I blogged about HATS today. Yes, you heard me. HATS.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom
Boring week here, except for everyone going to the doctor, it seems. 4 appointments, a trip to the er, and 4 prescriptions!

Nothing like an infant with pneumonia and a husband with sleep apnea induced migranes to make your week crappy.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersilvermine
People, people. S'mores are wonderful, don't get me wrong. But I think you are forgetting: this is the one time of year when you can have Peeps in your hot cocoa!
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDave
I swear, we in the audience never threw our programs on the floor or started to leave. We just waited patiently until the curtain rose because we love the way you make even the dismal weather into something funny. Apparently, we also love s'mores.

My favorite s'mores variation is to spread a generous layer of Nutella on the graham cracker. This skips the whole unmelted-chocolate problem and allows you to focus your attention on achieving a perfectly toasted marshmallow. Delish.
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterheidi
At least you have readers! Some of us are pathetically insecure over our post content and entertainment value, in spite of our lack of readership :)

I'd be more concerned about all that, but I'm keenly aware that I will never be half the writer that you and my other bloggy worshipees are on screen, and I'm ok with that. I'm way better inside my own head.

I'm not sure what all that has to do with you, but I spent way too long trying to come up with the word worshipee to delete it!
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

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