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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Back me! | Main | Diagnosis: allergy! »

I can see. Life is good.

I am always in turn touched, fascinated, and horrified at the boring details my readers demand of me. "Dear Alice, please give us a ten-page laundry list of everything Henry has consumed for the past six months." "Dear Alice, what was the precise diagnosis of your recent ophthalmologist appointment, and also what were you wearing, was it hot?" "Dear Alice, what exactly is goat-sex like, and how do you know? Could you tell us exactly when and where you or someone you know romanced a goat?”

For the record, my husband was the one who came up with all the taste perversions I might experience as a result of my eye drops. So he’s the one who should be grilled about his filthy, filthy past. Or maybe his present. I don't know what he does when he "commutes" to "work."

Luckily I have experienced none of the side effects that supposedly come with relief from eye pain—no listlessness, or vomiting, or spontaneous liver expulsion. Whew! The doctor was unconcerned about my agony, and as I clawed at my eyes and rolled around on his floor he cheerfully explained that it was pink eye brought on by an allergy to...something. What, we may never know! Why, is a mystery! How, who cares? Who? Me and my eyes! Should I see an allergist, I asked him? He didn't see a point to it. Allergists are a bunch of know-nothings, he said, and are little better than those voodoo people. (Here is where I attract the ire of both allergists and voodoo practitioners. Voodoo-loving allergists are really going to come after me.) He performed many detailed and ouchy tests and ruled out dry eye. I worried that he was dismissing my concerns because I wasn't as ancient as the rest of his patients. While I was being inspected, they were all reading AARP Is For Youngsters Magazine or knitting with mammoth-bone knitting needles or just flying around by the ceiling, rattling their chains and upsetting the fax machine with their electromagnetic ecto-mist.

But here I am, with pain-free eyes, and not much to discuss. Everything is so damn peachy, it's embarrassing. And my son is all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns that crap puppies. He waves at everyone he passes on the street and then keeps calling out Hello! HELLOOOO! until they answer. He holds my hand and beams at me and tells me I'm his best Mommy ever--and he doesn't appear to want anything in return. He asks if he can have a treat, and if I say no, or not now, or not until you finish waxing the car, he sings, "Okay, Mom!" and he doesn't ask me again. Just now, as I was writing the above words, he asked, "Would you care to play with me?" WHAT IS HE UP TO?

In conclusion, there's a new Wonderland post up. Enjoy!

Reader Comments (30)

Oh Dear God, does that medicine have you hallucinating?
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJust Beachy
I love it when these kids come up with stuff like, "Would you care to play with me?" As if Henry had had a past life as a 19th-century aristocrat. Yesterday I said something (unimportant, unmemorable) to Jack, and he returned with, "Tell me about it." WTF?!
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom
Eye pain is definitely horrible. One of my sons shot me in the eye with a nerf dart last week which scratched my cornea and I had to wear an eye patch for a day or so. Ouch, ouch, ouch. But at least it gave me a couple cool pictures to post and something to tell the Internet about. :-]
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjon deal
excellent. now that you have removed the mote in thine eye, you have carte blanche to smugly go around removing them from everybody else's.

February 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkyran
Alice, why do you hate old people? /sarcasm
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjolie
Wasn't there a show on Broadway about having an affair with a goat? Like with real stars in it and stuff? Also the Pink eye? From allergies? happens to me every year. Its like an early sign of spring. You'd think that all that warning our children to wash their hands after they sneeze and not poke their fingers in their eyes would rub off on us, but no.
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJenny
Ah, dry eye tests. Those are great fun. Did they place little strips of paper in your lower eyelid, to test for tear production? There's nothing like sticking something into your eyes, when it is already so so sad. Glad you are better.
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Milton
Wait a minute--pink eye? Does Scott know? I seem to recall a (fantastic) post about his paranoia re the dreaded pink eye. Now you can threaten to rub your eye on him!
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMandy
Oh ugh. I once had a sinus infection infect my eye. I didn't even know that was *possible* or I'd go have all my tiny sinus problems looked at immediately. It was disgusting. But the doctor said it so matter-of-factly like everyone knew your sinuses were just sitting around waiting to incubate something evil that tries to crawl out of your eye.

February 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersilvermine
AARP Is For Youngsters. Ha!
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLetterB
I've been told children mimic. That explains why my children speak something just short of ebonics.
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterOMSH
omg!! Re: silvermine, the same thing happened to ME. I was in the hospital for a WEEK. I got a begrudingly impressed doctor, but he was a resident. Maybe he just didn't know it was old had to have a pus-eye
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
Silvermine, Emily: That's waaay more disgusting than MY pink eye. Thanks!

Mandy: I haven't actually used the words "pink eye" to him. Because yes, he would freak out. Aaaand it just occurred to me that he can read. CRAP.
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Oh, I'm so jealous! I want a unicorn that craps puppies! Are the puppies rainbow, too? I love the weird way kids talk - mine always says things like "Daddy will be so pleased" and it's hilarious. Pink eye sucks, sucks, sucks. Especially if you have contacts, because then you have to wear glasses and it feels weird and everyone you know has to say at least 3000 times "oh, I didn't realize you wore glasses!" like you were trying to pull a fast one on them for the past 3 years, not wearing your glasses, but ah-ha! for they have caught you at last!
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie
The other day my four year old (this Sunday!) said to me, "Mommy, you may join us if you like" while he and Daddy were playing playdoh.

Tonight it was "Thank you Mommy, thank you for this delicious dinner."

When I asked him if he had to go potty it was "No thank you, I wouldn't care to right now."

February 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersparklykatt
Oh, the ever polite and lovely Henry. I think he needs a top hat! And a monocle. And a robe. And a small dog. And when he drinks tea, he should lift his pinkie in the air! He will be a four-year-old paragon of good manners. Which, if you ask me, is how all children should be.
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNothing But Bonfires
Attempting this url, I looked at the address bar and realized that "ginslippy" is not quite the same thing.However, that does give the brilliant idea to make many, many cocktails tonight after work and then attempt to mop my kitchen floor.
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenternadarine
I want electromagnetic ecto-mist.
February 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterelise
"Unicorns that crap puppies" are the best thing I have imagined in a long, long time.

February 10, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJB
i saw a plastic toy unicorn the other day with a name like "the magical vengence unicorn" -- it comes with little figurines that can be impaled on it's horn of justice. hilarious. but alas it doesn't crap puppies. oh well.
February 10, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdawn
Not that I think you've got bad skin, but:My husband had a raging case of pink eye that wouldn't go away. He had it for months. Eye drops were just irritating his eyes. It turned out that his pink eye was related to rosacea (sp?). Now he takes a mild antibiotic every day and his nasty eyes, which were relatively nasty even before the pink eye, are fine, fine fine and his skin is a thousand times better too. Wish it had cleared up his case of annoythecrapoutofme-itis.
February 11, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkate
Gee, and I thought getting jalapeno juice in my eye today was bad! You win!
February 11, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRachel
Romancing a goat got me!! It's funny I read this tonight. I just finished a post about our 4.5 year old telling me how much he liked my droopy boobs!!!!
February 11, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFenicle
Great. Your life is peachy. Why can't you write more about how awful everything is because you can't get the sour smell out of your dishrags? That's what I come here for. But, noooooo. We're all unicorn crapping puppies here.
February 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMocha
I need, desperatly need to know what your secret is to getting your child to be pleasant. My youngest might just have an eye problem - he is sooooo cranky so much of the time. Demanding and cranky. And all I want is pleasant, meaningless conversation in the morning.....

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