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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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Advil, please.

If you've been wondering how to create the most ear-splitting whine you can imagine, your first step should be to keep a five-year-old up well past his bedtime. The next morning, you'll want to kick things off with a Super Fun Bagel Time with Friends. Then have the friends leave far too quickly for his liking. Now that he's wound up and packed full of carbs, there's nothing to do. His parents are looking forward to doing something dumb like sitting and reading. The seconds and minutes tick-tock away. None of his toys hold any of their former appeal. His Legos mock him with their inability to connect themselves. His books will turn stupid. His stupid parents decide they're going to rake, of all stupid things.

He's already far more sleep-deprived than usual, but don't count on him napping, because napping is a baby activity for babies. After a bout of whining—which is just a rehearsal for later—he'lll manage to get out for a bit, running around the front yard, trading insults with the guy next door using combinations of the words "poopy," "diaper," and "butt." But then it gets dark, and he has to go back inside, where there's still nothing to do. He's seen that television show. Don't try to make him laugh because he hates laughing. And now his favorite Lego guys have disappeared and no he doesn't want to look for them. He needs dinner and no one will play with him and his Lego guys! Where did you put them?

There's only one thing left to do in a situation like this, and that's whine. Whine as loud as he can! Whine until his parents beg for mercy! It starts as a whimper but it will build, it will keep on building, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. If you're wondering what your dog is doing while you are enduring the Worst Whine Ever, he's teaching himself how to open the front door so he can take off. Just a little more fiddling with this shiny ball-thing and the Magical Portal will open and then he's off! Off into the woods! Waaaaiioooooouuuuu!

Now you know. And you've lost your hearing and your dog is gone. You're welcome.

Reader Comments (21)

Alice, I love you. And Henry too.
November 23, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdaysgoby
Whining could save the world. If only it could be harnessed for good and not evil.
November 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTammy
LMAO! We experienced something similar to that yesterday, only it was with the two-year-old model.

I hope you found your dog. :-)
November 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJen in CT
Less brutal than the whine, but still annoying is the dead child move. Lying on the floor, in any situation and refusing to move. Preferred location: HUGE BUSY MALL!
November 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJenB B
I know that whine. Advil isn't enough. You need hard liquor. Or at least prescription drugs.
November 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAll Adither
I felt whiney today too. It's that after holiday letdown. We solved it by eating good sushi.
November 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMauigirl
"But then it gets dark, and he has to go back inside, where there's still nothing to do."

See, when I was a kid, this is when my parents would kick us outside with a flashlight. Of course, these were the 1970s, before safety was invented and when families had so many kids they didn't mind if they lost one or two.
November 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTammy
LOL @ Tammy! Also - wow, you got a flashlight? I think my parents were hoping they'd lose one or two, as long as they could pick which ones. I always wondered why my sisters had glow-in-the-dark patches on their jackets and I didn't.
November 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLaylabean
We were also sent out into the yards where other deposed kids were hanging out. Just street lights and skipping ropes. After we walked to school up hill both ways with boxes on our feet instead of shoes.
November 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterjenB
There's something to be said for growing up in a household where whining would either 1) set my alcoholic dad into a fit of rage, or 2) send my depressive mom into a tail-spin of self-pity. A little negative reinforcement cut the whines out pretty early. And I turned out ok. Oh, wait, no, I didn't. Never mind.
November 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBipolarlawyercook
I have to tell you that these posts about Henry whining scare me. You see, I have a 1 and a 2 year old, and I was really hoping that the whining would be behind us by the time they were 5. Oh well.
November 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSonja
Well, you can look forward to the days when that whining turns into the eye-squint, pursed-lip, laser beam stare. More focused energy. But less noise.
November 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRo
Oh, the whine! The worst form of child induced torture! It destroys my sanity more than any of the other annoying things they can do. I actually had a child in one of my classes whose whine was funny - not annoying. She took it to such a dramatic level that it was like watching a broadway show!
November 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjennifer Kashak
When I eat a bagel, I want a nap about an hour later when the sugar crash hits.I'll be eyeballing the couch soon, I just ate one.Does he whine more when you try to joke him out of that mood?Or can you get a giggle out of him?They are reluctant to change a bad mood, but I used to taunt mine by exclaiming: "I saw it! Your lips twitched! You are trying so hard not to smile. But I saw your lips twitch!"That usually did it. When busted with the lips twitching, they felt free to explode into a full blown smile, followed by giggles.
November 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterwitchypoo
We can sometimes manage to convince our kiddos to play in the bathtub for what I like to call 'water therapy'. This is NOT a bath. NO. Not even CLOSE to a bath.

It often works to wind them down, even in the middle of the day.
November 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNancy R
THE WHINE as birth control.

November 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterlinda
I find that a big glass of the other kind of whine makes my hearing less sensitive...
November 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterVelma
Hope you find your dog. Oh, sorry, you can't hear me. HOPE YOU FIND YOUR DOG!!!
November 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterollka
This has been my life for ALL OF THANKSGIVING (i.e. since MONDAY)Please, make it stop.Also, come back Alice's dog! The small human will sleep eventually!
November 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterracher
That's how *I* was behaving as of six pm this evening, and I am 37. No, I am not proud of myself, but I am totally family-ed and vacation-ed OUT. I want everyone to go back to work and school and leave me alone. To play with my Lego men.
November 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbabelbabe
Whining is a lot less fun when you have to do it in the confines of your room. Alone. With no television, no computer, no nothing. And no one to hear you whine.

This is something my parents found out a long time ago, and it is why my sister and I cut the whining crap out, pronto.

Whining = sitting alone in your room

Not whining = being out where the fun stuff is happening

November 27, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMarcheline

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