The lie.
January 28, 2007Dear Wonderland readers: there's a new post up.
Tonight, after dinner with my parents, we all settled down to watch the tape of Melissa stomping on Meredith Viera's head. And by that I mean "Melissa showing remarkable taste and restraint in not stomping on Meredith Viera's head." (As Henry likes to say when he utters something nonsensical, that’s what it means in my world.)
I was all set to give you the full commentary from the Bradleys, because they're known for their amusing commentary, but mostly there was puzzled silence, along with some sighing and head-shaking. (Also, whenever Meredith said Janet Taylor's name, my mom would say, "Wait, did I hear that right? Genitalia? Is Genitalia really her name?" and “Well, her name is Genitalia—there’s her problem.")
And right now I feel mostly the same way about the show: puzzled and weary (if eager to mock Janet Taylor). On Friday morning, as I sat in the green room, watching Melissa more than hold her own against the bullshit, I was completely unsurprised at how events were transpiring. My expectations had already been rock-bottom. I knew the piece would be slanted against Melissa and her booze-loving ilk from the start. But at least she sounded good. And she looked good. And that, I thought, was enough.
But all weekend, I felt vaguely sick about it: both about the segment, and my own apathy. You know, it sucks that we're trained to expect so little. An issue is raised, and instead of meaningful debate, we get a condescending, judgmental puff piece designed only to incite public disapproval. It's meaningless and shallow and dispiriting. And not at all surprising.
It may not seem like a big deal, a short segment on whether moms should or shouldn't have a drink when they're with their kids. But behind it, behind the supposed concern about this new trend (quoth my mother: "Give me a break") is one message. It's the same one we get day after day. And it's simply this: we are not capable. Women are not capable. We need to be watched. We need to be told what to do. We must be monitored, judged, and corrected.
This message is so pervasive, we don't even hear it anymore. We just internalize it, and fret, and compare ourselves to everyone else, and point fingers at other mothers who we think are worse than we are. And then the media turns around and asks, why are mothers so neurotic?
It sucks, and I don't know what the solution is. It's difficult when you're lost in a funhouse to find the exit. Maybe we just point out the lie whenever and wherever we see it. It's not much, but it's a start. And maybe after that first step, maybe we'll know which way to go.
Reader Comments (69)
Most of the judgements of fellow mommies come from a place of looming insecurity.
It's also intellectually lazy (and very safe) to leap on the pedestal of sanctimony and resume finger-shaking every time a serious debate about motherhood arises. I am talking to you, Ms Viera.
The rewards of these judgements (the false feelings of superiority and safety) perpetuate the problem. Much like Pavlov's dog salivating when the bell rang. If we start making people who offer that knee-jerk response uncomfortable, maybe we'll make progress?At least if we exclude the finger shakers from the discussion (because they have NOTHING worthwhile to add in my opinion) we may actually learn something, and feel better about the realities of our lives and of motherhood.
Also, someone said Margarted Atwood LOVED bacon. past tense. Did she die? That would really bum me out. I would have to have a drink to recover.
I've just decided to serve alcohol at my next playdate. Never done it before but this zealotry has forced me to choose sides.
P.S. Margaret Atwood is very much alive. She lives not too far frrom me so I could spy on her in lunch spots and see if she eats bacon. (She's notoriously crumudgeonly.)
Good post, Alice. I can't think of anything more in-depth to write, because my big, strong husband isn't here to guide me. ;)
I'm not saying that the interview wasn't shitty or that comparing a mother to a babysitter is acceptable. But I also find myself uncomfortable with all the "let's drink! huzzah!" reaction. Because the truth is, alcohol can be really really horribly dangerous. Maybe Janet Taylor feels similarly frustrated that she couldn't make that point, that responsible drinking is all well and good, but for many many many, too many parents, responsible drinking isn't possible and that a discussion about the "Momtini" might be better served by acknowledging that, too, instead of merely glamorizing the new chic of the modern American mother and her playgroup cocktail.
See, the problem is that this issue is complicated. And I haven't noticed our media to be especially skilled at handling complexity very deftly.
I'm not disagreeing with you, Alice (because who would do that?), just trying to highlight another possible side.
I didn't know you mothers were robots.
If TODAY were to do a piece on that and got all judgmental toward the Dads, well, the Dads would probably just ignore it, and not care about being judged. They probably would roll their eyes at the women on The View.
Maybe we should, too.
And Sarah and Borneochica, I see your points, although I don't think "Cool Mommies drink, nondrinking Mommies suck" was what either Alice or Melissa were saying (although I have seen some of that sentiment in the comments on both their blogs, so I get where you're coming from). I think they are both rejecting this prevailing attitude of judgement and finger pointing about every little thing mothers do or don't do. I don't give a rat's ass about who does or doesn't drink in my circles of friends, I do care about who makes me feel supported and approved of, and who makes me feel judged and wanting.
The language that bothered me most in the interview was the question about mothers deciding to "go this route." PUNCH.
The question about the babysitter was complete bullshit. Who drinks at their JOB? And yet mothers are expected never to have a cocktail again (you know, just in CASE they have to drive someone to the hospital). Motherhood is 24/7, NOT 8 hrs a day, and these sanctimonious assholes seem to forget that.
I would NOT have a beer with Meredith Viera or Genitalia.
Which is insulting to both Moms and Dads.
And, both my parents had a cocktail before dinner every single night of their lives. My dad lived to be 92 and my mom is 88 and still going strong. She also smoked and drank while she was pregnant (everyone did in the 50's - her doc just said to "cut down a little" on the smoking). Needless to say I survived and actually thrived. Amazing, isn't it.