The lie.

Dear Wonderland readers: there's a new post up.

Tonight, after dinner with my parents, we all settled down to watch the tape of Melissa stomping on Meredith Viera's head. And by that I mean "Melissa showing remarkable taste and restraint in not stomping on Meredith Viera's head." (As Henry likes to say when he utters something nonsensical, that’s what it means in my world.)

I was all set to give you the full commentary from the Bradleys, because they're known for their amusing commentary, but mostly there was puzzled silence, along with some sighing and head-shaking. (Also, whenever Meredith said Janet Taylor's name, my mom would say, "Wait, did I hear that right? Genitalia? Is Genitalia really her name?" and “Well, her name is Genitalia—there’s her problem.")

And right now I feel mostly the same way about the show: puzzled and weary (if eager to mock Janet Taylor). On Friday morning, as I sat in the green room, watching Melissa more than hold her own against the bullshit, I was completely unsurprised at how events were transpiring. My expectations had already been rock-bottom. I knew the piece would be slanted against Melissa and her booze-loving ilk from the start. But at least she sounded good. And she looked good. And that, I thought, was enough.

But all weekend, I felt vaguely sick about it: both about the segment, and my own apathy. You know, it sucks that we're trained to expect so little. An issue is raised, and instead of meaningful debate, we get a condescending, judgmental puff piece designed only to incite public disapproval. It's meaningless and shallow and dispiriting. And not at all surprising.

It may not seem like a big deal, a short segment on whether moms should or shouldn't have a drink when they're with their kids. But behind it, behind the supposed concern about this new trend (quoth my mother: "Give me a break") is one message. It's the same one we get day after day. And it's simply this: we are not capable. Women are not capable. We need to be watched. We need to be told what to do. We must be monitored, judged, and corrected.

This message is so pervasive, we don't even hear it anymore. We just internalize it, and fret, and compare ourselves to everyone else, and point fingers at other mothers who we think are worse than we are. And then the media turns around and asks, why are mothers so neurotic?

It sucks, and I don't know what the solution is. It's difficult when you're lost in a funhouse to find the exit. Maybe we just point out the lie whenever and wherever we see it. It's not much, but it's a start. And maybe after that first step, maybe we'll know which way to go.

Comments

[OMSH]

"An issue is raised, and instead of meaningful debate, we get a condescending, judgmental puff piece designed only to incite public disapproval."

Honestly, I think that is the absolute best description of that piece. They had an opportunity for some truly meaningful interchange and decied ahead of time the result they wanted.

Someone needs to teach them the basics - intermediate school science works nicely. Let's take the Scientific Method. Conclusion comes AFTER observation and testing. AFTER.

[Emily]

I love this: "We just internalize it, and fret, and compare ourselves to everyone else, and point fingers at other mothers who we think are worse than we are."

So very true. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just tell them they're good enough.

[Mutt]

It's like 'they' want us to be in charge of the children, the house, the finances, the cooking, cleaning, and well, EVERYTHING. But, 'they' also think we should be monitored and never step outside of societies "norm". Screw norm (the norm, not some guy, unless you're married to him) and get by the best you can. We live with incredible expectations and if a glass of wine once in a while helps you get through the years. Then by golly, have one on me.

[Liz]

I've read a lot on Melissa's appearance but you have said it so well, Alice.

"It's the same one we get day after day. And it's simply this: we are not capable. Women are not capable. We need to be watched. We need to be told what to do. We must be monitored, judged, and corrected."

I didn't think about it that way until I just read it, and wow, just wow. I couldn't figure out why the piece bothered me so much until now.

[Kirsten]

These comments are echoing my own thoughts. I was so frustrated when they were making comparisons between mothers drinking socially with friends and paid babysitters. That was the most frustrating moment for me. Melissa was wonderful.

[mom on a wire]

That's what kills me- it's women doing this to other women. Why? Doesn't it remind you of junior high when that bitchy cheerleader goes around calling you a skank just because it deflects from her feeling so lousy about her own problems? I hate that women have degraded themselves to such a jouvenile way of making themselves feel better- treating other women like trash. No wonder so many mothers feel isolated and alone. Look at the people we have for company.

[anne nahm]

Brava! You are exactly right in this matter. I'm in awe of your ability to put your finger right on the issue so eloquently.

[Ashley]

I seem to remember being a little girl and being at picnics in the summer (Fourth of July kind of stuff) and wanting to leave the party because I was little and bored. I remember my mom saying "Just wait until I finish this drink." Which, to me, took FOREVER.

I know I'm not the only one with this experience because my friends and I laugh about it all the time.

So all of the bull about a 'new trend' is just that: complete bull. Its exactly as many people have pointed out - just one more thing for mothers to point fingers at other mothers for. "Ha, caught you! I'm definitely better than you!"

I think its a very sad state of affairs. The pressure on mothers is enormous and counterproductive, and I was very disappointed in the whole piece. Melissa did the best she could and held her own, and for that I'm very proud.

[jenB]

Many many many things annoyed me about the piece. I wonder if next week they will be talking about the trend of Dads having beer while their are watching football WHILE THEIR CHILDREN ARE PRESENT!

[whoorl]

It's sixth grade dressed up in neutral-colored suits and doctoral degrees.

So. Very. Frustrating.

[kate]

Thanks so much for another thoughtful and well-written post.

[Brooke]

Looks like you need some bacon therapy, stat.

Ever read any Margaret Atwood? Because you're reminding me of her. You're so right, for one thing. For another, Margeret loved bacon.

[Robin in San Jose]

Does this mean I can't have a glass of wine with my husband over dinner? After all, we're responsible for our kids at that time, and we're using a glass of wine to eliminate stress. Bad parents we are! Bad, bad, parents setting a bad example for our innocent kids.

[mrsgryphon]

I've been reading all weekend about Melissa's Today show appearance, and you have (once again!) said it best.

Thank you for putting my thoughts into words better than I ever could.

[Wendy]

Alice, once again you've managed to crystalize my thoughts so well. What's your Psi rating? I don't know that any of us know what the answer is, but certainly pointing out the lie is a good first step. (As long as we're prepared to be called bitches, of course.)

[Izzy]

a condescending, judgmental puff piece designed only to incite public disapproval

Well said and thanks for the nod :)

[ozma]

Your take on this particular instance of the not capable thing is so right but it is so right about so many other things as well. In a way, you almost want to thank the Today show for being so damn obvious. So many other instances of this are insidious and hard to spot.

[silvermine]

My god, I wouldn't have survived the first month without my 2 am feeding Guinesss.

Let's see Janet Taylor have cracked bleeding nipples, thrush, (all on about 3 hours of sleep per night) and a really insanely enthusiasticly sucking baby with painful gas and colic, and not resort to a little something to take the edge off so you don't shriek with pain for the first minute the baby latches on.

Um. ahem.

And I drink wine too. *gasp* While nursing!

[tuckova]

I agree with your assessment of the show and its intentions, and I found this almost hauntingly well expressed.

But... but.. Alice? You start off by making fun of that woman's name. Not the things she said, not whether her opinion was valid, but that her name sounds like something dirty.

[slouching mom]

Tuckova, it was Alice's mom who made fun of Taylor's name, no? Amusingly, I thought.

But. I think that this is one more example of "mother blame," which has been around in some form or another since the 1940's, and probably forever. The unstated argument is this: if mom has a drink, and kid goes south (either in the short term, say by getting hurt and having to go to the ER, or in the long term, by becoming a delinquent or worse), then clearly it's because mom had that drink. Blaming anyone else (e.g., society, or genetics, or...) would be too difficult and too frightening. Thus in the 40's autistic children had 'refrigerator moms,' whose coldness caused their autism, and kids who became schizophrenic had 'schizophrenogenic moms,' whose alienating styles caused psychosis. Right.

So now it's the 'momtini' (thanks, Melissa) at issue, and in the next decade people will point the finger for the rise in incidence of teens abusing alcohol at the 'momtini moms.'

Ridiculous. Just another example of the way we pass the buck in this country.

[alice]

Tuckova, my intent really wasn't to make fun of the name Janet Taylor. Of all the things she did or said, her name was sort of low on my to-mock list. No, I was just enjoying the fact that that was the only thing my mom could come up with to say.

[MomVee]

Puzzled and weary, yes.

But I'm going to take this a step further. I don't think this is just about the infantilization of women. I think it's about credentials, and invasion of privacy, and a weird abstract sort of class snobbery...parents in general are being told that we're incapable, and that "experts" need to be on hand to tell us which of our instincts are wrong. (Hint: all of them.)

[Sarah]

I have to wonder if part of the problem could be the new "hip mother" needing to vocalize and almost brag about their ability and "right" to have a cocktail or two while watching their kids or on a playdate. Someone mentions the idea that no one says anything about a father cracking a beer while his kids are around, but then again, we don't see fathers running around proclaiming that it's the coolt thing to do--suggesting that everyone who's anyone is doing it. Most of us could have a drink or two and still do well behind the wheel of a car, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea or that everyone would be able to handle it. Why can't we all just raise our kids the way we want to and continue to share stories and advice, rather than turn it into a cool clique? I think that's what the media picks up on--the junior high behavior that many women, especially those in these blogging circles are certainly portraying.

[Cherie]

Well said, as usual.

[Mary]

It's the child bride/virgin image. Mothers are put up on pedestals and expected to be pure and perfect, but also silent, obedient, and docile.

The thing that makes me the most crazy about this is that we do it to each other. It's women doing it to other women! Meredith Viera and Genitalia are not the only ones to do this sort of thing. We judge each other - and ourselves - so harshly. We've internalized this so much. It keeps us all down.