I had no idea that you all had such passionate opinions about the appropriate serving size of bacon.
I could write about how I think child beating is underrated, and I don't think I would receive as many strongly worded emails and comments. HOW COULD YOU EAT ONLY TWO PIECES OF BACON, so many of you want to know. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO US.
It was a mistake! A terrible mistake. I was trying to be, of all things, virtuous. Trying to enjoy my hedonistic breakfast in sensible moderation. I was a fool.
I should have consumed the entire package. Then I should have run shrieking to a nearby pig farm, if such a thing exists in this New Jersey, and sunk my teeth into the first pig haunch I could find. I see that now. And I'm sorry. I only hope it's not too late for us.
I am going into the city today to meet my good friend Melissa. Tonight I sleep in her hotel bed. There will, I imagine, be spooning (fingers crossed!). Tomorrow I'll be accompanying her to the Today show, where she will tell the world on live television that she drinks on playdates. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I can get her drunk enough tonight that she's still drunk on the air tomorrow, drunk enough that she sits on Meredith Viera's lap and plays with her hair. Then my life will have been worth something.