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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« The lie. | Main | Now with pictures! »
Thursday
Jan252007

Forgive me. Please.

I had no idea that you all had such passionate opinions about the appropriate serving size of bacon.

I could write about how I think child beating is underrated, and I don't think I would receive as many strongly worded emails and comments. HOW COULD YOU EAT ONLY TWO PIECES OF BACON, so many of you want to know. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO US.

It was a mistake! A terrible mistake. I was trying to be, of all things, virtuous. Trying to enjoy my hedonistic breakfast in sensible moderation. I was a fool.

I should have consumed the entire package. Then I should have run shrieking to a nearby pig farm, if such a thing exists in this New Jersey, and sunk my teeth into the first pig haunch I could find. I see that now. And I'm sorry. I only hope it's not too late for us.

I am going into the city today to meet my good friend Melissa. Tonight I sleep in her hotel bed. There will, I imagine, be spooning (fingers crossed!). Tomorrow I'll be accompanying her to the Today show, where she will tell the world on live television that she drinks on playdates. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I can get her drunk enough tonight that she's still drunk on the air tomorrow, drunk enough that she sits on Meredith Viera's lap and plays with her hair. Then my life will have been worth something.

Reader Comments (34)

I'm setting my TiVo!
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLuthor
Former Congressman and former head of the New Jersey Turnpike Authority Neil Gallagher said: "New Jersey used to make awful smells that would spread across the area from a major pig farm in Secaucus. A plan then was made by Governor Al Driscoll to run a highway through New York State to the crossing of the Delaware River to take out the traffic on Highway Number 1. In order to build these roadways, all the roads had to connect and pass through Secaucus which had to be the hub of the highway. In order to do this, the government had to buy all the pig farms in Secaucus."

Like pig farms are the worst smell New Jersey has to offer. Please.
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSugar Pixie
FanTAStic. Have a great time. I'll have my television on NBC tomorrow at the ready!

K.
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterChookooloonks
My DVR is set in hopes of capturing on-air drunkeness. Have fun!
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie
Thanks for the bacon explanation. I was just about to de-blogline you in disgust.
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTammy
limoncello - that's what you need to give melissa to ensure lap-sitting & hair-playing tomorrow. and bacon. lots and lots of bacon.
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjolie
I can't believe that some people got onto you for eating two slices of bacon. Is this something that anyone should care about?
There is great pig in NJ - http://www.cowsoutside.com/ - I know about those guys from the Union Square market - we had their ribs not so long ago.

If I didn't have a job, I'd be watching TV tomorrow in a heartbeat. Maybe I'll be sick tomorrow!
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermaggie
These are people who LOVE ME, ifyhmbotp,ynh. They only want the best for me. If they're not going to tell me how much bacon I should eat, who is? WHO?



January 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Ya know, when I saw those pictures I, too, wondered how someone could eat only 2 pieces of bacon. But, I didn't want to sound like a big fat pig myself so I just moved on. I'm very happy to hear I am not the only one who must eat the entire package of bacon. (Especially if you are going to the trouble of cooking it on the stove!)
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKarly
Maybe you could go find that pig from the opening credits of the Sopranos. And if drunk on TV worked for Danny Divito, I'm sure it would work for anyone.
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNoelle
I simply cannot forgive you until I've seen the pictures of your teeth firmly implanted in the backside of a pig...on the other hand, there's probably a fetishist site for that kind of imagery...(shiver)
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMonkee
I wish I had tivo - I'd like to see a momma blogger that drinks on playdates on tv!

And? 3 pieces. The perfect amount is a trio.
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterOMSH
I'm with Karly - we were all thinking it ("Two pieces of bacon? I've picked more out from between my teeth") but I too moved on. I'm glad other people picked up on our slack on your lack of bacon faith.

And now you know™
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermathew
I can't believe that some people cut you slack for only eating two slices of bacon. Isn't this something that everyone should care about?
I'm so excited...I just e-mailed my husband to make sure he remembers to set the TiVo so I can watch it. Is it weird that I'll TiVo the Today show if bloggers that I read are on there, but not like...Zach Braff?
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAlana
Oh, Alice. We care deeply how much bacon you eat. Two slices is never enough for a well adjusted human being. Now, would you like a membership to the Bacon of the Month Club?
I, for one, had decided that you were inordinately virtuous for managing to consume ONLY 2 pieces of bacon. Either that, or they were the last two in the package, having consumed ALL the rest of them the day before, leaving just those two ("Well, I wouldn't want to be a PIG, so I will leave these two pieces," which is something I would totally do and then manage somehow to feel virtuous about it. "See?" I'd say smugly. "I can totally leave some of the bacon for someone else.")

Right.

At least you balanced it out with the french toast. There is that.

Oh, what were you talking about? Oh yes, the spooning.
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkaren
It is totally your mission to get her drunk enough to do that. I will be watching. And if she gives her a good grope I'll send you guys extra bacon. The protein is good for the sure to come hangover.
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterChristine
So weird, the first thing I thought when I saw that bacon picture was "damn, I eat way too much bacon. How can you only eat two pieces?"
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAdda
I will be drunk enough to shove massive amounts of bacon into Alice's gob.

I always do that at playgroup!
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommentermelissaS
My bacon-eating habits are so out of whack that I just figured you only had room for two pieces on your plate and would eat more later. I rarely buy bacon because however much bacon I have is a serving and I am really fond of my low cholesterol level.
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterliz
When it comes to bacon (or talk shows), I say go big or stay home.

January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKyran
See, I thought that was how much bacon was left by the time your french toast was ready & made it to the plate.

What?

You mean, you don't eat 13 slices of bacon while waiting for the rest of it to cook? Huh.

Looking forward to the show tomorrow & praying for some drunken hard-braiding. ::fingers crossed::
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterShawnee
Personally I like sausage.
January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLux Lisbon

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