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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

« And when I say “practically,” I mean “forcefully.” | Main | Soon they will be gone, and I will dance upon their eensy graves. »
Thursday
Aug242006

Mysteries of the mind and body—not explained!

Henry’s formerly rose-colored eyes (now back to their regularly scheduled whiteness) reminded me of this story my brother told many years back, about a friend of a friend who had this disorder wherein if she didn’t take her special medication every few hours, her eyes would pop out of her head. This story is remarkable not just in the fact that he told it, and that I believed it wholly and without the teensiest glimmer-ette of doubt, or that I told it to all kinds of people, none of whom believed me, but that last year I recounted the tale back to my brother, who looked at me like I was criminally insane. What are you talking about? He said. Who? Eyes popping out of what? Why?

I wanted it to be true so bad that I argued with him for a while, but he continued to glare the glare of the angrily sane at me, and I was forced to give it up. So now I’ll never know. Either he made it up or I did, or no one did and I don’t really exist. Or this is a little like when I was eight and told everyone—because I knew with all that was good and pure in my heart—that Olivia Newton-John had once been married to Elton John. Thus the hyphen. Actually this is nothing like the ONJ thing, which I’m still not over because shouldn’t that be true?

Back to the strange maladies: I experience a nightly…experience (fuck it, I’m not checking a thesaurus) that I’m pretty sure is mine and mine alone. Please dissuade me of this notion, or at least explain what’s going on, o you who do not do enough for me already. You know when you’re falling asleep, and suddenly you’re falling but not really falling and you wake up just before your dreaming self hits the dream-ground? I have that, except different! And here’s how different: instead of falling, I’m suddenly overcome by intense nausea. And just as I wake up, lurching out of bed in the hopes of not soiling my sheets, poof, it’s gone.

You’d think this would keep me up the rest of the night—especially because I haven’t thrown up since I was nine and I have a little bitty phobia when it comes to the act. But this pre-sleep faux-vomit been going on for twenty-three years, so by now I’m all casual about it. Puzzled, but casual. And I know it’s been that long because I brought it up in eighth grade health class, right after it first happened, and everyone went ewwww. This was my classmates’ reaction to almost anything I said or did or wore. Or ate.

In their defense, I was partial to deviled ham.

Reader Comments (99)

I imagine you could twist the nausea and deviled ham into something funny for your new gig.

And I would fire the person who told you to write all your self-criticisms down. I didn't know my MIL found a new profession.
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMother
Maybe acid reflux is causing your nausea. Sitting up would cause gravity to move the acid out of your esophagus so you no longer feel barfy. Try taking Alkaseltzer just before bed for a couple of nights and if it goes away maybe your mystery is solved.....
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRobin in San Jose
If Olivia Newton John was married to Wayne Newton and then got divorced and married Elton John and lived in a town called Newton, do you know what her bathroom would be called? Yes, that's right: the Olivia Newton John Newton John Newton John!
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSnakCakes
Count me in on both the barf-phobia and the wake-up-nausea thing. And I thought I was the only one.
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBlythe
Ummm, deviled ham, the preferred sandwich spread of the minions of Satan.

I used to have an antique ring that had a glass eye instead of a stone. I convinced my nephews that I had knocked it out of a guy's head and had it put in the ring. And now they won't stay over at my house anymore...wonder why?
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercarlarey
Argh - no I hate the cryptic. Dying of curiosity now. Whatever it is you deserve it, no matter what your inner critic might be saying. Congrats!
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLetterB
i agree about the acid reflux hypothesis.

i haven't barfed in like 9 hours.

you are funny. F-U-N-N-Y.
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterjenB
dude- that is totally normal and i wouldn't worry about the whole nausea thing. i can't sleep every night so i have become used to the vanilla of the tyleno pm.

but you would probably feel better if you threw some vodka on that nightly.

i'm just saying...

maybe i shouldn't make stupid comments when i'm a little intoxincated, so um, yeah...

gosh, i can't go anywhere from here can i?
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdivinemissk
I was convinced on the whole ONJ - EJ thing for a long time too. Even when someone told me in 5th grade that EJ was gay and his career was over, I was still sure that didn't mean he didn't marry ONJ - how else did she get that name? Duh!

August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKrisco
You people who thought ONJ and EJ were married slay me! How dumb are you? They're SIBLINGS people! Geez, pop cultural illiteracy much? Wait, let me guess, next you'll tell me the Thompson Twins weren't just two people!Lies, lies, lies, yeahuh...
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSupersillyass
I am imagining a positive comment about your cryptic writing gig. You figure it out. ;^)
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBeth
And weren't Jane Pauley and Tom Brokaw definitely married? Oh, and the bank teller at the bank drive thru I frequented from the back seat of my Mom's car? Clearly he was the richest man in town -- so clearly he was who I was going to marry. Despite his unattractive buzz cut and heavy black glasses.

Congratulations on the new writing thing...
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterImperfect Mommy
Perhaps you have been pregnant for 23 years straight.
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLOD
Alice, you have no idea how funny you really are. You make me laugh so hard. The deep belly laughs that are good for the soul. After a bad few days, I came to read you and I'm now feeling so much better! Thank you a million times over!

-hugs-Dana
Ooooh! Joking aside, what LOD said can really happen. I saw this weird show about an old lady that was pregnant for something like 50 years. Her baby calcified inside her. When that happens it's called a lithopedion. Google it and you will believe!
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRobin in San Jose
Once I was playing two truths and a lie with some friends (adult friends- we are pretty lame, don't drink much) and my friend Leilah gave her two truths and a lie and then had to jump up and call her parents and ask about the truths- whether they really happened- and we could hear her on the phone saying hey mom, do you remember that time that I fell off of the porch and needed stitches? What? I totally remember that... And she ended up calling her dad, her grandma, and both her sisters, all to verify the "truths" in her two truths and a lie. But they really were three lies. Anyways. Long story.

What I worry about most, since I don't have an anonymous blog, is how most of my friends who think I'm funny on my blog will think that I'm really unfunny in real life, and then I try to be funny, but I can't, because if I'm funny at all it's only in print.
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRae
I totally agree with comment #837,398. You have those dreams because you have vomit phobia. I had this phobia for many vomit-free years until I got a horrendous stomach virus and had to face my fear, oh, about 12 times.

I believe Jerry Seinfeld got over his phobia by eating a black-and-white bakery cookie. Maybe give that a try!

I think you're a riot, and I'm so glad you're going to get paid for your talent. I'll be first in line for the book. ;)
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
Ohhhh, Karen, bring it! You are so not first! ;)
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterC
I think it must be pretty normal to have a thing that happens just as you're falling asleep. Because I have a thing. It's not a vomiting thing, but it's still a thing. I see a spider coming down at my face. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened and I've actually squealed and rolled out of bed or turned on the light just SURE I'd see a spider hanging a mere foot from my face. There never has been a spider.

There ya go... don't you feel better now?
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTitanKT
If you need any references on your resume as to your funnydom (funniness? funny ability? oh wait...humor?) I will be happy to get on line. It will be a very long resume though.

I still believed until recently that my childhood cat, whom my brother became allergic to, had actually gone to live with "a nice lady in the city." Yes, I knew the old "gone to live on a farm" white lie but I thought for some reason my parents were the only ones who really meant it. Sigh.
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMom101
dude. I totally do the sit up from a sound sleep and run half way to the bathroom thing before realizing that I am NOT going to harf all over the place. I can't tell you how many times my husband has woken up to me standing in the bathroom door.

It usually happens when i am extra stressy. But I am now going to look in to the TMJ thing (which I also have....and is also related to stress!)
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMoxie
I used to think that Regis and Kathy Lee were married...thinking that LEE was their last name.

um...and I was much older than 8.

Also? I think you will do so great at the ever-evasive-and-super-secret job/writing gig. I think it's awesome...as do I think you are, as well.

Good luck!
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJP
Halo Askew, my dad used to say "lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet." Dad humor! Har har har.

When we would drive to St. Louis, once you could see the Arch it would appear to move across the horizon, due, of course, to the road curving. But my dad convinced me that there were midgets on roller skates that moved the Arch back and forth. Whenever we got there they were ALWAYS on coffee break.
August 27, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchristy
Grace, my friends are also always asking me why I link to and read all these blogs written by moms (I'm just out of college myself). And I also always send them first and foremost to Finslippy! Proof in the pudding!

Someone told me in the 8th grade that Canada was widely considered to be an island, as the border between it and the US was one big (and wide?) river. It made sense to me - body of land separated from another big body of land by a big body of water? = ISLAND!

I only realized my faux pas when I was called on in 12th grade history class to answer a Canada-related question, and threw an island reference into my answer.

I received many of those glares of the angrily sane, as well as a large does of high-school grade embarrassment.

Alice, if you ever do end up in a situation where your cryptic clues lead to a book you've written that I could buy, or a journal you're contributing to that I could subscribe to...well, I will be one happy girl! Congratulations!!
August 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterElise
Oh the ON-J, EJ marriage theory isn't all that bad. The HYPHEN! It JIBES!If it makes you feel better, I was convinced that Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, upon marrying, had formed a publishing company. See? McGraw-Hill! And wow...they're already everywhere!The really sad thing about that is that I was nearly in my 30s when that theory was formed.Hmmm...am I going to actually post this comment and admit that to the vast, mocking internets?We'll see...
August 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKira

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