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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Speaking of bananas... | Main | My head is packed, but not with ideas. »

Six foot, seven foot, eight foot, bunch!

Behold! I am all but recovered, having received antibiotics for my various infections. You know you have something impressive when the doctor whoops every time he peers into one of your head-holes. Whoa! Hey! What the--! That’s infected too? It’s disconcerting to think that a cold can lead to total bacterial invasion. It might not have helped that I was on a steady diet of Christmas cookies. I’m betting that filling your body with refined sugar every day doesn’t exactly support a weakened immune system. But the cookies, they were so delicious.

After so many days of staying inside, drinking warm liquids and seeing what items I could smell (really, I did this for days), I am now socially crippled. I try to talk to people and I don’t know how to modulate my voice and I can’t remember what questions you’re supposed to ask. “Is it a nice day out?” No, wait, I’ve already been outside, I had to go outside to get here, WRONG QUESTION! STUPID! STUPID! It doesn’t help that my ears are still clogged and most of what I hear is the loud roaring of my brain trying to work correctly.

Years ago, when I worked at a faceless corporation, I had a morning routine: When I got to my building I went to the kiosk in the lobby, said hello to the nice kiosk man, took a banana and a Times, gave him my money, and went upstairs. Then one day I came in, said hello, took a banana and a Times, took out my money, then put my money in my other hand, and handed the guy behind the counter the banana. And the poor man accepted the banana, looked at me sadly, and said, “Oh, no.” (As if I wouldn’t correct my mistake and give him actual money. You accepted the banana, sir. You accepted that transaction. Eat the banana. EAT IT.)

Anyway, that’s what I’m like today. People try to talk to me and I keep handing them bananas.

Reader Comments (46)

Aww. Glad you feel better!
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJem
Ah, hon, come talk to me. I like bananas. And I won't care if you're still all loopy. It simply serves to make the conversation more entertaining.
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSleepless Mama
Upper respiratory infections have that effect on people. It's cool. I'm just happy you're better.
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSharon
Yay for the healing! And bananas!
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEulallia
oh my god. that was funny. *EAT IT.*

good to see your wit is still intact. ;)
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSarcomical
Isn't that the essence of blogging? Handing out bananas when people come looking for something?

I love your stuff. Glad to see you feel a bit better, if not a little more nuts.
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMeg
Gah, sounds like hell. A hell I know well, but am hoping I can continue to hold at bay this year. ::Knocking on forehead repeatedly::

Bananas are often overlooked as a perfectly reasonable form of currency. People need to catch up.
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkelly
Now I'm going to be singing "Tally me banana" in my head all day. Thanks a bunch. HA! A pun! But no seriously, thanks.

p.s. glad you're feeling better. :)
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentereva
glad you're feeling better.
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercheri
I Know! I love nothing better than impressing the doctor with my sickness!

It's just so nice to have that backup "Yes, I am a professional and you should be commended for not crawling up into a ball and moaning all day. How exactly did you get to my office ma'am? By all rights you should be dead...frankly, you are my hero. Here is a script for antibiotics and Tylenol with codeine. Tell your husband he is in charge of childcare and donut acquisition for at least a week"

Otherwise I'm just being whiney and lazy.

Glad you're feeling better :-)
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLRM
Well, you know what they say. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. Turns out, Alice likes a banana, too.

January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonoCerdo
One of my favorite "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?"s has a skit wherein Colin Mochrie is supposed to be a guy who's all suave and studly while practicing in the mirror, but completely screws up when faced with real-live women. So he keeps doing the Barry White kind of voice while preening, then turns to the female player and gets a panicked look on his face... shrieks "BOOBS!!" and runs away in embarrassment.

Handing people bananas isn't so bad. ;)
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMir
I'm glad you feel better. Talking to people is overrated. Bananas for everyone!
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEm
behold the power of bananas!
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermoxiemomma
I NEED bananas. We're out and no decent bananas can be found.

Happy De-lurking Week! Glad you're on the mend.
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercoolbeans
ahhh, laughing out loud. For the first time today ... "EAT IT!"
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
De-lurking (my second favorite word next to "truthiness") to say glad you're feeling better!
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermary
Funny -- just about as silly as me trying to figure out why the washer wouldn't start tonight. Pull the nob. Push the nob. Pull the nob? Push the nob? What the f-- oh...I have to TURN the nob to the appropriate wash setting THEN push the nob. Oy.
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNorthern_Girl
This business about the banana? Voila - you've been privy into the cognition-impaired world of menopause. Us women geezers, we just hand out those bananas left and right.
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGraceD
Try handing them money instead. You'll make many new friends and they won't care what you ask them.
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNothing But Bonfires
But are they spackly bananas? That's what I want to know. ;)
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBeth
most people would prefer to be given a banana than to be given a rasberry.
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteranne
Loopy people and bananas! That story reminds me of my great grandmother. She had alzheimers and would sometimes say some very funny things. Once out of the blue she said she would like to fall into a pile of bananas and eat her way out! She would have accepted your banana. Glad you are on the mend.
January 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterautum
oh mrs finslippy you are so witty, you have me in fits of giggles every time i read a post. don't ever stop writing. i just had to tell you that.x
January 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterClaire
I can't believe no one has said this yet, but "That shit is bananas."

Glad you're sorta feeling better!
January 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Rani

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