Also, I have no iridescent plumage.

I’ve been conducting a whole bunch of interviews lately for my other work, the one that doesn’t involve wiping someone else’s butt at periodic intervals. I actually enjoy the interviewing quite a lot, but transcribing them is torture. Because I have to listen to myself. And it turns out that I, dear reader, am the prototypical Shrill New York Jackass.

The people I’ve been interviewing invariably call somewhere in Middle America their home—usually they’re from “Georgia,” “Maryland,” or some place called “Ne-brass-ka.” Anyway, these foreign devils, they talk different from me. Real, real different-like. And on tape, they sound thoughtful and calm, while I’m clearly jacked up on Dexedrine. While I listen to these tapes, all I hear is this:

Interview subject: I’m answering your question in a deliberate manner, my words carefully measured.

Me: I’M JUMPING IN TO RESPOND JUST SO YOU KNOW I’M LISTENING WHOOPS WERE YOU STILL TALKING? APOLOGETIC LAUGHTER TEE HEEE HEEEEEEEE!

IS: I chuckle politely, then continue with my points, which were this, this, and the other thing.

ME: I ASK ANOTHER QUESTION WHILE GIGGLING TO SHOW THAT I THINK IT”S A STUPID QUESTION BUT I HAVE TO ASK IT! AND I TALKREALLYFAST! WHEEEE!

IS: How curious. Sigh. Well, your question made little sense, as it was obvious you didn’t listen to what I just said, but I will endeavor to answer it, since this will be good publicity for whatever it is I’m promoting.

ME: MORE QUESTIONS! MORE GIGGLING! I'M KIND OF SPITTY AND SIBILANT, DID YOU NOTICE?

IS: I’m too busy sounding mellow and homespun to pay any mind to your housewife-on-crack voice.

ME: NOW I WILL MAKE JOKES SO YOU KNOW I’M FUNNY! LOOK AT MEEEE! SNICKER!

IS: How quickly I tire of you. I will give you non-answers until you let me off the phone.

ME: AND I’M ALREADY THINKING OF LISTENING TO THIS TAPE AND ALL THE STUPID SHIT I SAID, TRA LA!

This is fun for me, as it feeds into my burgeoning insecurity that I don’t know how to talk to adults anymore. You try chittering all day to a toddler, and then conduct an interview about the benefits of Vitamin D without peppering everything you say with multiple exclamation points. Can’t be done! You will sound relentlessly perky! Your interviewee will sound nervous! Then you’ll have to mention the toddler, so she’ll know you’re not clinically insane! Here I go again with the exclamation points!

But why must I blame the child? Long before Henry was, I was flitting about, my every thought caroming toward its daffy conclusion. I’ve seen video of me. It's painful. I look a little like a hummingbird, but without the grace and, you know, hovering. Maybe I could blame all the caffeine, but how I love the caffeine, don't make me give it up, oh god.

Henry is becoming one of us New York fast-talkers, too, but in him it's completely adorable, of course. He's been talking for a while, but until recently he stuck to one or two words at a time. He'd carefully consider what word he would use--say, "Park"--and then he'd add a little upwards inflection at the end and repeat it until I felt that I would go mad. "Park?" "Park?" "Did you want to go the park, Henry?" "Park? Park? Par--" "Okay, let's get our shoes on!" "Park? Park?" "Yep, park." "Park? Park? Park park park?"

Now he's begun creating sentences by stringing together the words he doesn't know with babble. His every thought pours out of him, uncensored by judgment or reason. He stomps around the apartment, shouting, "Mommy balalalalalala FIRE TRUCK!" "Henry badoobadooobadooop BLENDER booneeeboooneee LUNCH roobooo DOGGIE!" Bless his little New York heart, he could conduct one of my interviews and no one would notice the difference.

Comments

[AnneWhitney]

I would freak out if I had to listen to myself - just last evening the kids next door came over to play outside with my kids and I was standing around talking to their father who spends his day in a sedate office with other mature adults and after about an hour I realized that I must appear to be a monkey on crack for all the jumping around and jabbering I do -- but no, I'm just home with little kids all day -- and I gave up caffeine 3 1/2 years ago!

[Mir]

Well, hope the majority of your interviewees are caffeine-addicted parents, I guess.... ;)

[jilbur]

I still think, from the evidence above, that if I had to choose which of the two I'd hang out with, I'd pick you in a heartbeat. Damn level-headed middle-Americans, all rational and wholesome and all. Then again, I'm one fast-talking, hell-bent-for-leather, high-strung, Yankee Jewish broad myself, so what do I know? ...

[Jae]

You just need to interview a little further West. We start talking like we're on speed again once you pass Colorado. Or maybe it's just me. Actually, I don't know how anyone else sounds because I can't shut up long enough to listen. Or if I do shut up, I have that pesky habit of sitting there, not listening, just thinking about what I can say next.

[sac]

I'm sorry to hear about the plumage.

[Rana]

Jae! You're me! :D

Sympathies for having to listen to yourself on tape. I can't STAND hearing myself on tape. And video of me is just _evil_. There's one out there showing a group of us standing around talking after we'd been out walking where there were ticks. My GOD I am twitchy on that video. Yargh.

Yes, except for one year in Colorado, I grew up west of the Rockies.

[jen]

Spitty and sibilant?

That cold possibly be the world's best blog name.

[WindyLou]

Well, I kind of like the spazzed out, twitchy, nasally New Yorker sound. My best friend from High School, my sweet, pliant, pushover friend, converted to Judaism and moved to NYC from Memphis. I love calling her and hearing her new Jewish-NY-Don't-Push-Me-Around-Bitch voice.Now before everyone freaks out, that is meant in the most P.C., loving, best friend from high school way, and still people are going to be angry- so don't everyone go berserk at once.

[The Sarcastic Journalsit]

As a journalist, I had to listen to myself all the time. #1-- I cut off people way too much. Laughed at the wrong times. Had a voice that sounded just about pathetic and weird. Kind of like a moose.

There's nothing that will help the old self-esteem like listening to yourself OVER AND OVER while you give interviews. :)

[scott]

We love the finster. One day, if I keep being nice to Neen, she's promised to help me link to your site.