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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« You deserve better but this is all I have. | Main | Luckily, he's not the target audience. »

It’s possible this is just a stage and he’ll grow out of it, but there are no guarantees in life, after all.

Scene: our dining room. Thanksgiving. The year 2034. Alice and Scott are sitting at the table. Alice is attending to a Siamese cat whom she is dressing in a teensy tiny sailor suit.

Scott: So I said to him, what are you saying, just lumbago? I’ll have you know this hurts like a mofo, and what’s more…what’s more, I’m…oh, crap, what was I talking about?

Alice: All set, Chairman Meow! All ready for the high seas!

The cat leaps off of her and heads straight for the open window. Alice laughs insanely. Scott continues shaking his head as if he didn’t hear a word she uttered—or didn’t want to hear.

The door opens. A balding man in his 30s bounds in wearing Gap overalls and a red turtleneck. On his forehead is half an Elmo sticker. It is Henry. Alice and Scott hobble toward him for kisses. He applies raspberries to their necks.

They sit back down to table, where we see that their Thanksgiving dinner consists of turkey cold cuts and half-thawed dinner rolls.

Henry: Sorry I’m late, but did you see that frontloader outside? It was so cool the it went VROOM WOOSH and the dump track went rrrrr rrrr rrrrr and the guys were all hey you, get out of the way!

Alice: Speaking of which, where did you park?

Henry: The articulated crash-rescue vehicle? I had to put it in a garage five blocks down.

Scott: Articulated CRV? I thought you were driving a giant excavator these days.

Henry: Well, I was, but the giant excavator just didn’t have the cool lights like the articulated CRV has that go FLASH FLASH FLASH, you know? Plus I rammed into an overpass the other day and took the whole thing down.

Alice [concerned]: You were okay?

Henry [shrugging]: Small boo-boo on my left shoulder. The doctor woman put in a few stitches, kissed it for me. No biggie.

Scott: How’s your job, son?

Henry [suddenly furious]: NO!

Alice: He doesn’t want to talk about it, dear. Henry, pass me—

Henry: NO! DON’T LOOK AT ME! [Covers his eyes with his hands]

Scott: Where’d Henry go?

Alice: Henry? Henry?

Henry [uncovering his eyes, smiling]: Hi Mom! Hi Dad!

They all laugh.

Alice: Here you go, dear.

She places one dinner roll and two turkey slices on his Chinet plate.

Henry stares at the turkey, murmurs “no, no” while his parents try not to pay attention, and finally tosses it to the ground. He picks at his dinner roll.

Alice: Seriously, we read the review of your last performance, “The Round and Round Until You Get Dizzy Fall Down Dance Revue” and it looks like it was a big—

She stares at Henry, who seems to be exerting effort in some way.

Henry: Yeah?

Alice: Honey? Are you, um, are you doing something?

Henry [red-faced]: No. Go away.

Awkward silence ensues.

Scott: So anyway, this lumbago—

Henry: Hey, want to hear something funny? When I said “No, go away”— before? When I said that? I totally crapped my pants.

There is a moment of silence, and then all three laugh uproariously for way longer than is appropriate, pausing every few minutes for Henry to add, “No, really, I did” and the laughter to start anew.

Reader Comments (31)

Alice, you rock!
November 30, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterWendy
Well done.

Discribed our current dinner hour perfectly. In I know you? Eeek!
December 2, 2004 | Unregistered Commentervgmom
I found this scenario deeply disturbing but also quite plausible…
December 2, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterkrissy pants
Um...has Henry got you locked in the bathroom so he can watch TV?
December 2, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterelswhere
I keep thinking of this and coming back to it, and I've forwarded it to some friends. Really well done. Very funny, and even though it's 'fiction' it feels so true. More! More!
December 8, 2004 | Unregistered Commentermvh
Your blog is like Chocolate Bunnies on the Dashboard of my car.
March 11, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteranthony

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